(Always) In Development

Prayer as a Delight

2011-01-15T12:00:00.004-05:00

My small group met last night and the topic was prayer. Specifically, we covered the instance (recorded in more than one gospel) when the disciples asked Jesus to teach them to pray. Several things struck me from our conversation, but one comment in particular led me off into my thoughts.

I think that above all the things the disciples asked/asked for, this request most delighted him.

The quote isn't exact, but it did start me thinking. Why would this delight Him? Well, if what the disciples saw and desired was that interaction with the Father, and if Jesus came to make a way to/draw us to the Father, then their request was (an initial/partial) fulfillment of His incarnational purpose!

And then that phrase 'delight' began to bounce around in my head. It delights the Son to have us approach the Father. It delights the Father for us to come to Him through the Son.

And then I began to realize this: Prayer is an invitation to join in the fellowship of the Trinity.

We come at the initiation of the Father.
We come through the introduction of the Son.
We come with the instruction of the Spirit.
We come to have conversation and fellowship with the Most High God!

And this, this delights Him.

God is delighted when I choose to exercise my blood-won right to come into His presence with adoration...thanksgiving...burdens...requests...repentance...with worship. For no reason other than He chose it to be so, my pondering pause in His presence is a delight to Him.

I truly stand in wonder. What kind of love is this? What kind of God is this?

Welcomed in His presence,
-J

Then I saw a Lamb, looking as if it had been slain, standing at the center of the throne, encircled by the four living creatures and the elders. The Lamb had seven horns and seven eyes, which are the seven spirits of God sent out into all the earth. He went and took the scroll from the right hand of him who sat on the throne. And when he had taken it, the four living creatures and the twenty-four elders fell down before the Lamb. Each one had a harp and they were holding golden bowls full of incense, which are the prayers of God’s people. --Revelation 5:6-8, NIV

So, On to the Assigned Task: Building My Faith

2011-01-09T18:03:00.001-05:00

So, if building faith is one of the purposes of this 'lag time,' and if remembering God's provision is one the the things that will build my faith, then I'd better get to it! And here's one that just popped right up.

A few days ago as I was posting here, I found myself reading back through some of my posts from earlier in the year. I was relieved to find that they did not sound nearly as whiny as I had feared. But that's an aside. :-) Here's what I noted:

In my April 30 entry, I tried to describe the emotional state which had been building in me for months, this overwhelming sense of restlessness/anticipation/anxiety/longing which I could neither dismiss nor fulfill. And a greater part of the challenge was that I felt that it was God who had stirred (and continues to stir) the waters of my heart. At that time, I didn't know how to respond to the challenge. (Actually, I am only just figuring out how to do that.) I signed off of that note in this way:

Oh God, what would you have me do? Is this of Your purposes or my distraction? I both want and hate this, embrace and reject this. Be merciful to me, O God. Remember that I am but dust. O Lord, save me, or I will be washed away with the tide.

And do you know what I realized a few days ago when I reread this? He did. He did remember that I was but dust, and in His mercy, He reduced my emotions to a level I could manage, and has kept them there. This may seem small-ish, but it wouldn't if you had been in my head when I wrote those lines. I was not even remotely exaggerating or kidding. I was desperate!

So I am reminded that even in this, my 'stirred waters' journey, His ears are attuned to my voice, and His mercy is renewed toward me again.

I'm liking this assignment. Remembering. Recalling. Rehearsing the good my good God has done in my life. I'm encouraged already.

I'll leave you with an idea presented (almost in passing, but boy did it grab me) in our worship service this morning:

To stay when God says, "Stay," is an act of worship.

We so often think of going & doing as worship...at least I do. But my overall struggle stems from God's command a few years back from me not to go to the mission field as I desired & planned to do. This quote is a beautiful reminder that obedience--in whatever way--is worship.

May I always be a worshipper of One so very worthy.

To the praise of His glorious grace (& mercy!),
-J

Give thanks to the LORD, for He is good; His love endures forever. Let the redeemed of the LORD tell their story...Let the one who is wise heed these things and ponder the loving deeds of the LORD. --Psalm 107:1, 2a, 43, NIV

Wow! Maybe I've Stumbled onto Something...

2011-01-07T18:39:00.000-05:00

So, this morning, when I opened Facebook, I discovered that one of my alma maters, Columbia International University, had posted a link to one of their professor's blogs. And guess what this series of entries was about?

...How times of waiting are calls to walk by FAITH!

Weird? More likely, providential. In a separate, opening article (on this concept as it relates to leadership), he defines waiting as living in the gaps:
...in reality most of my life is in the gaps between God’s promise and the answer. Much of my leadership has been seeking clarity on what to do while we are waiting on something else — that God seems to be delaying.

So, if most of my life is lived in the gaps (as it certainly FEELS like I am doing), what do I do with this most-time? How do I live here? In the first article he asserts:

The Christian life is filled with waiting. Sometimes waiting feels like standing in a long, slow moving checkout aisle at the store. At other times, waiting is more like desperately clinging to the floating scraps of broken wood after the ship has gone down. And then there are those moments when waiting is like a young child on Christmas Eve; not being able to sleep from the excitement of what might be under the tree in the morning...How do we wait? We wait in faith.

In the second article, he asserts that what we do in times of waiting is remember God's past provision and anticipate his future gifts:

Remembering and Anticipating are spiritual disciplines that grow our heart’s capacity to respond to God in faith and hope. [My note: previously, he has stated that these--faith, hope, and also love--are God's goal for us.]

Also, and this was the humdinger for me:

A good definition of the Christian life could be – it is a waiting life punctuated by samples of God letting us taste what will be.

Yes! That's what I feel. Lots of waiting, punctuated by moments where God displays His brilliant glory and self. (My struggle is just that I'm ready to get on to the 'display' part!)

And isn't that what we see in Scripture anyway? Those moments we all desire our lives to mimic were just that--moments! Think about it--most of 'our heroes' lives were spent waiting too. (Go ahead: pick a hero, and then read the back story. You'll see.)

From the third article:

Waiting is standing in a space where we look back to mountains God has led us over in the past and where we can see mountain tops in front of us that make our necks sore from looking up. Waiting is the flat plain in between. Waiting is that boring walk through miles of endless open terrain where there are very few identifiable land marks to give us clear bearings...In the plain of waiting it is easy to feel lost, unsafe, exposed, uncertain, and then doubt shows up and asks to walk with you.

This is how I feel--lost, unsafe, exposed, & uncertain--and probably for this exact reason. Doubt does show up. Which is why faith is the only response that works.

And though this isn't exactly the point of his third article, it spawned this thought:

God waited first.

God offered all of Himself and His perfect provision to me...and then He waited for me.

He waited for me.

He waits for me.

What kind of love is this?

Amazing love, oh what sacrifice

The Son of God, given for me?

My debt He pays, and my death He dies

That I might live. That I might live!

(I hope you know this Bebo Norman song)

Loved beyond imagination,

-J

But do not forget this one thing, dear friends: With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day. The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance. --2 Peter 3:8-9

A Postscript for the Theologians of the Group: I know God chose me before I chose Him. Please see my point and understand that I'm not breaking down the theology here. More on that later, perhaps. :-)

Not Alone

2011-01-06T23:27:00.003-05:00

To those of you who posted here or messaged me saying I wasn't alone, thank you. I truly can't tell you how encouraging that was to me. I often feel alone, and I while I know it isn't true, it's nice just to know it a bit more tangibly.

The comfort of the Body of Christ. I'm pretty sure there's something really good in that package. I'm pretty sure that's how it's supposed to be.

In in together,
-J

There is one body and one Spirit, just as you were called to one hope when you were called; one Lord, one faith, one baptism; one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all. But to each one of us grace has been given as Christ apportioned it... So Christ himself gave the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, the pastors and teachers, to equip his people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ. Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of people in their deceitful scheming. --Ephesians 4:4-7, 11-14, NIV

It's Tougher Than I Expected...

2011-01-06T18:24:00.004-05:00

So, I still wrestle. And I would be ashamed to admit how often tears are my companion these days. But in the midst of my pondering, I see this:

The emptying that God has done in my life is a call. That call is to faith.

The Michael Card lyrics come to mind:

To hear with my heart
To see with my soul
To be guided by a hand I cannot hold
To trust in a way that I cannot see
That’s what faith must be.

When my hands, heart, head, and planner are all empty, then faith is the response He calls me to.
That He will lead.
That I am not forgotten.
That there is more.
That faithfulness today is enough.

Funny. Somehow I thought faith would be easier. This might just be the biggest mountain I've had to climb. I don't doubt my God's greatness or goodness, or love, or mercy. But I think I've doubted His timing. I've doubted the plan He has mapped for me. I've not rested, but rather have wrestled in the place He has put me. And the only answer I can come up with is...

Faith.

It doesn't stop the pain, or the tears, or wipe away the emptiness. But it does tell me what I should do. I must walk...by faith.

Weaker than I thought, confident in my Caller,
-J

For we live by faith, not by sight. We are confident, I say, and would prefer to be away from the body and at home with the Lord. So we make it our goal to please him, whether we are at home in the body or away from it. --2 Corinthians 5:7-9, NIV

Lights, Lag Time, Learning, and Life as a Six-year-old

2010-11-07T14:15:00.000-05:00

Have you tried those new energy-saving lights? You know, the ones that come on veeeerry, veeeeeeeeery slowly?

These are the bane of my existence. I have to turn the lights on a full 60 seconds before I actually hope to see anything! I like lights that as soon as the switch is flicked--BAM--come on! I know technically there is time between the switch being hit and the light coming on, but the differential is one this pea-brain can hardly measure. I like those lights. :-)

And you know what? I think this illustrates the struggle I've been wrestling with these many months. The problem is this:

Lag time.

I think lag time is the issue we struggle with.

Okay, maaaybe I'm being too general. I think lag time is the thing *I'm* struggling with.

As part of the thorough preparation I have done for this (and, of course, every post) (*wink*), I thought I would look up the actual definition of lag time. What I found made me laugh out loud:

( ′lag ′tīm ) (electricity) The time between the application of current and rupture of the circuit within the detonator.

WELL. Talk about hitting the nail on the head! Lag time is the time in the middle, between when the button is pushed and something happens as a result of the button being pushed--like an explosion...or a light coming on.

Yep. That's it exactly. It's the time in the middle that's bothering me. The time between when the fuse is lit and the fireworks go off. How long can a fuse be, anyway? The time between when God-the-Driver says, "This is where we're going," and when the car actually starts toward/arrives at its destination. It feels too long.

And I find myself in whiny mode, wanting to ask, "Are we there yet?!"

How is it that I can so quickly become a 6-year-old in this car trip we call life?

*Sigh*

In church, we've been studying through the book of Acts. We've arrived at the part when Paul's life has taken a crisp downturn, humanly speaking. He's imprisoned for years, without justification and without 'due process.' But juuuuusst as this whole thing begins, while he is still imprisoned in Jerusalem, Jesus appears to him:

The following night the Lord stood near Paul and said, "Take courage! As you have testified about me in Jerusalem, so you must also testify in Rome." (Acts 23:11)

Note:

* The Lord stood near. Paul is comforted with the presence of the Lord.

* The Lord speaks encouragement. Paul is comforted by the living words of the Lord.

* The Lord lays out the plan. Paul is assured that he is not going to be killed yet. And better, his heart's desire (to preach in Rome) is about to be fulfilled.

Now, I don't know what Paul was thinking, but *I* would be thinking: Okay, the show's about to start. Let's GO!

But (and I hope I'm not spoiling the story for you) the show doesn't get started. Paul spends years imprisoned before he ever even embarks on his journey to Rome. And that journey is fraught with danger and suffering.

But you know what? Paul's job was to walk in the promises God had already given him. God didn't show up every night to tell Paul about the journey. Just once.

Only once.

But Paul trusted his Lord's words, and was faithful every day to those once-spoken words.

Um...the self-application is pretty obvious. Okay, well, God's spirit nailed me with it last Sunday, so NOW it's really obvious. I need to trust that God will complete His plan for me...even when it's been a long time since He said, "This is where we are going." A long, long time.

And this week, do you know what I saw? From prison (probably from Rome), Paul writes this:

...I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. (Philippians 4:11)

Learned. He learned to be content. Content in whatever.

Where did he learn it?

In the lag time.

So lag time is God's personal development program. Sometimes Scripture refers to this as "the fullness of time." As in, Jesus came in the fullness of time. And, Jesus will return in the fullness of time. When the time is perfect, and all the pieces are in place.

His promises will be fulfilled to the 'iota.' But first, first we must go through the lag time. And we must learn. *I* must learn.

Growing up in the lag time,

-J

P.S. In the same epistle, Paul wrote:

*Rejoice in the Lord always.

*I will say it again: Rejoice!

*Let your gentleness be evident to all.

*The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

*And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

*Finally, brothers and sisters,

--whatever is true,

--whatever is noble,

--whatever is right,

--whatever is pure,

--whatever is lovely,

--whatever is admirable

--if anything is excellent

--or praiseworthy

think about such things.

*Whatever you

--have learned

--or received

--or heard from me,

--or seen in me

put it into practice.

*And the God of peace will be with you.

--Philippians 4:4-9

Sure of What I Hope For/Certain of What I Do Not See

2010-10-20T13:30:00.010-04:00

Let Thy Goodness, like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to Thee...

Familiar? This line from one of the latter verses of the hymn Come, Thou Fount of Every Blessing has been sung as a fervent prayer by me many, many a-time. And, over the past several years, the attribute of God which has been most brought home to me is... His goodness. His absolute, undeniable, unquenchable, all-encompassing, every-life-invading goodness.

And recently, as we sang this song in a worship service, I realized that my prayer had been answered with a resounding, "Yes!" You see, it is the goodness of the Lord that causes me not to despair. Life may be ugly sometimes, awful sometimes, achingly painful sometimes, and most times completely unlike what we thought or wished it to be. But God's goodness is what keeps me hanging on.

So when, as I asserted in my last post, I am in 'backwoods Sinai,' please don't let that mislead you to thinking that I despair. In fact, I am anything but despairing. I wrestle, I struggle, I press in to hear His purposes and to see my Savior's hand. And I seek to understand because I know God HAS a purpose.

And His purpose is GOOD, because HE is GOOD!

So, with that in mind, I thought I'd share with you some of God's good purposes--at least the ones I have eyes now to see--from over these years in backwoods Sinai. This sojourn so far has been almost a dozen years. Life went from full-speed-ahead to go-directly-to-Sinai-do-not-pass-go-do-not-collect-$200 in about a millisecond. Or so. But the monotony of this place has taught me...

*I've learned what it is to hurt emotionally in ways I cannot pass over nor can I solve. And I've learned what it means to survive on His strength alone.

*I've learned to walk under the heavy burden of long-term physical pain. And, I've seen my Savior miraculously, instantly heal me--Praise His Name!

*I've learned not just to wait, but to wait on the Lord. 'Them's' two different beasts, I can assure you.

*I've had God call my bluff--when I didn't even know I was bluffing--and lived to tell about it. And even enjoy the journey beyond it...without ever understanding the "why" of it.

*I've learned what a spiritual battle looks like...and how to lose. And blessedly, also how to win.

*I've had my perspective on the Church, on Ministry, on Grace & Mercy, and on myself completely and utterly re-written. In very, very necessary and good ways.

*I've learned that when I'm banging on heaven's gates, begging God to, "Do something," He often is, just in ways I cannot see.

*I've seen God take places where I was shackled by sin and doubt and fear and set me free. In entirety. In ways that others had to acknowledge, to His glory!

*I've been disciplined for my lack of faithfulness...and then given another chance to serve Him.

*I've discovered the joy of offering God my pain in worship. There is a beauty in that offering that is unmatched by any other, I think. Worship through tears--to the praise of His glorious grace.

*I've learned to increasingly "entrust myself to Him who judges justly."

*I've discovered what a complete "patootie" (Southernese for one's hindquarters) I have been at points in my life (and possibly today), and thus, I have discovered how MUCH grace has been granted to me by friends and family. (I thank you all!) And more so, by my Savior.

*I've fallen in love with Jesus. I was His a long, long, long time before that was true. But praise His Name, it's true now!

*I've been deeply wounded by the Body of Christ, and in His grace, I've been healed so deeply that I can again love Her without reservation.

*I've begun to truly discover that I am utterly, every-fiber loved by a Holy God. THAT will change you!

So despite the disconcertion of my previous post, my Good God has had Good purposes in this, the 'stalled out' portion of my journey. I just wanted you to know that I knew that.

And you know what? I believe so much in His Goodness and His Good purposes, that I really do believe the best is yet to come. So I choose to wait on Him. For 'the fullness of time' never came when the story's characters thought it should, but it always came when the Master of time had perfectly planned for it to do so.

God teaches us in ways that are perfect for each of us. Some people learn best through the rigors of daily life, some through fiery trials. Some must have a thorn in the flesh, some prosperity. I, apparently, need long periods of monotony. Long, looooooong periods of monotony. ;o) But if that's the only way I can look more like Jesus at the end of this thing, may the monotony never end. (But just for the record, I'm hoping there are other ways, too.)

Hopeful at Sinai,

-J

P.S. How about you? What do you 'have eyes to see' of God's work in your journey?

The LORD is my light and my salvation—whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life—of whom shall I be afraid? ...Though an army besiege me, my heart will not fear; though war break out against me, even then will I be confident. One thing I ask of the LORD, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to seek him in his temple. For in the day of trouble he will keep me safe in his dwelling; he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle and set me high upon a rock. ...I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD. --Psalm 27:1, 3-5, 13-14, NIV

1. Come thou fount of every blessing
Tune my heart to sing thy grace
Streams of mercy never ceasing
Call for songs of loudest praise
Teach me some melodious sonnet
Sung by flaming tongues above.
Praise His Name I'm fixed upon it
Name of God's redeeming love.

2. Hither to thy love has blessed me
Thou has brought me to this place
And I know thy hand will bring me
Safely home by thy good grace
Jesus sought me when a stranger,
Wandering from the fold of God;
He, to rescue me from danger,
Bought me with His precious blood.

3. O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I'm constrained to be!
Let Thy goodness, like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to Thee:
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here's my heart, O take and seal it;
Seal it for Thy courts above.
--original: 18th century Methodist pastor & hymnist Robert Robinson

--this version: E. Margaret Clarkson, 1973

Destination: "Backwoods Sinai"

2010-10-19T11:13:00.010-04:00

Blogging is an emotional act for me, and though the intervening months have been filled with many good things & experiences, emotionally, I am very raw. So raw, that blogging has felt more like pouring alcohol on a cut than a cathartic experience.

But last night, I think I understood something new, something related to my emotional state. And it is something worth blogging.

I have struggled for at least a year with something I've called 'stirred waters', a longing for what I don't have that feels more awakened from the outside than from the inside. And I often--and increasingly--see my life as just being frittered away, wasted, empty of meaning. I'm not one given to self-reflection or moroseness, which makes these intertwined perceptions all the more troubling.

So I've begun to ponder: why would I feel my life is wasted, wanting? Obviously, I have some kind of unmet expectation. But what?

I grew up believing my life would just be poured out for Jesus, willingly given in the hard places doing the hard things for the glory of my great Savior. I said, "Yes," early and I wanted it badly. Later, I realized that I expected (just by the nature of life's progressions) to marry, to have children. Since I'm not the meta-cognitive type, I never really thought about how these would mix.

But apparently, I reached an unrealized expectation in the midst of these thoughts. Both ministry and marriage were good, but I could see how one might exclude the other. That was a sacrifice I was willing to make. Use me up, Lord, either in the crazy extreme ministry I long for, or in the sacrificial offering to the future that a family is. But use me up.

And last night, as I realized that this was my expectation, it became clear to me why I was so haunted now. Because now--in the life I live today--I have neither. I am neither being used up in ministry, nor am I pouring myself out into the lives of a spouse and children.

I am simply sitting in "backwoods Sinai."

Moses spent so much of his life waiting, yet having already been told He was THE one to deliver Israel (see Acts 7:25). Forty years seems like a long time to be in such a place as backwoods Sinai, especially for someone coming from palatial Egypt.

But there was a reason he was there. We tend to jump to the spiritual reason: he was there to be humbled. While true, and while that was a huge success (see Numbers 12:3), it isn't the reason I was thinking of. He was there because he was a fugitive, a murderer. He had done something to place him there.

So last night, I found myself asking the ungracious and unflattering question: What did I do? Why have I been sentenced to backwoods Sinai?

Knowing this story, and feeling paralleled to it, I should feel hopeful. I mean, in the fullness of time, God showed him His glory (and he lived!). He powerfully and perfectly used this man to do things which had never been done before (or since!). And talk about a man 'poured out'!

But the truth is, right now, I just feel the grime of the dust and the monotony of the thankless shepherding. It doesn't feel preparatory; it feels stagnant.

I know the truths and the platitudes.

*God's plans for us are good, and perfect, and loving.

*And I know that in God's economy, nothing is wasted.

*I know that my feelings aren't always true reflectors of reality.

*I know I don't have to understand, that I don't even have a right to understand.

*I know, I know, I know.

But I'm still sitting in backwoods Sinai. I'm tired and bored and grimy.

And I don't know why I'm here.

In a few minutes or days, I'll relax into the place of trust in my Savior's perfect plan. After all, my life is His, and if He wants to play it out in backwoods Sinai for the rest of my days, it is His right to do so. As a servant, I have no claim on how my days are spent. And His goodness causes me not to despair. His love gives us so much more than we ever, ever, ever deserve.

But today, I find myself with empty hands in a squalid place spinning my wheels. And I don't understand.

Just speaking this moment's truth,

-J

"O LORD, the hope of Israel, all who forsake you will be put to shame. Those who turn away from you will be written in the dust because they have forsaken the LORD, the spring of living water. Heal me, O LORD, and I will be healed; save me and I will be saved, for you are the one I praise. They keep saying to me, 'Where is the word of the LORD? Let it now be fulfilled!' I have not run away from being your shepherd; you know I have not desired the day of despair. What passes my lips is open before you. Do not be a terror to me; you are my refuge in the day of disaster." --Jeremiah 17:13-17

The Beauty of Brokenness

2010-05-29T15:33:00.009-04:00

I have a friend who is struggling with infertility right now. I have many friends who have been sexually assaulted. Friends who have husbands who don't love them...or wives that won't respect them. I have friends who have gone to the dark places of depression, and those who have been financially devastated to the point of bankruptcy. I have seen the heartbreak of the parent whose child has gone astray...or has exited this life. I have shared in those journeys and have walked my own.

And in each case, we ask--at some point--why? And while God's purposes are myriad and only partly fathomable, I think we can answer for certain this painful question with this one word:

Brokenness.

We come to Christ seeking life. He says, to live you must die.

We come to Christ seeking wholeness. He says, to be whole, you must be broken.

And He, our example and High Priest, isn't asking us 'to go where no one has gone before.' He Himself has has faced every temptation and tasted every sorrow. He Himself was broken. We sing, "I have decided to follow Jesus," but will we follow Him here?

We start proud; it is our very nature. But it is in brokenness that we find healing and hope. It is in brokenness that we truly worship. It is in brokenness that we find God. David understood this: "The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise."

So the sorrows come not for our destruction, but for our healing. We will not naturally or of our own accord struggle and suffer to the depths necessary to become the people we need to be. But God, in his great grace, walks us through the struggles to the place of our redemption. And in that place, we are healed and God is glorified.

It's a beautiful story, but it is one only written in sorrow. In suffering. In blood. This is where we bear our cross. This is how we die to self. And in the end, the story is declared in Glory...and is to the praise of His glorious grace.

So ask the question, but know now that at least part of the answer is this: The pain is producing beauty, and the path to beauty is brokenness.

Longing for beauty,

-J

"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." -Jesus, Matthew 5

He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering. Like one from whom men hide their faces he was despised, and we esteemed him not.

Surely he took up our infirmities and carried our sorrows, yet we considered him stricken by God, smitten by him, and afflicted.

But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed.

We all, like sheep, have gone astray, each of us has turned to his own way; and the LORD has laid on him the iniquity of us all.

He was oppressed and afflicted, yet he did not open his mouth; he was led like a lamb to the slaughter, and as a sheep before her shearers is silent, so he did not open his mouth.

By oppression and judgment he was taken away. And who can speak of his descendants? For he was cut off from the land of the living; for the transgression of my people he was stricken.

He was assigned a grave with the wicked, and with the rich in his death, though he had done no violence, nor was any deceit in his mouth.

Yet it was the LORD's will to crush him and cause him to suffer... --Isaiah, prophesying of Jesus

A Day for Emotions

2010-05-25T18:19:00.002-04:00

Wow. What a day! My best friend swore into the U.S. Coast Guard Reserves! She will be 'always ready' to "protect the maritime economy and the environment, defend our maritime borders, and save those in peril!" This is the conclusion of a several year process, and it is beautiful. I was so honored to be there.

THEN, my baby sister gave birth to my newest nephew! Such joy! Another conclusion to a long process, and in both cases, God made Himself beautiful.

More later, but a great day. :-)

-J

Coffee-Induced Revelations

2010-05-20T11:45:00.001-04:00

I slugged down my first cup of coffee this morning. Zip! Gone! And as I looked up from the bottom of that now empty cup, I looked out into the room.

And then...three, two, one...my vision cleared! I hadn't even know that it was blurred. The steam from my coffee had fogged my glassed just a bit, and I didn't notice, until it evaporated.

And I thought:

This is what heaven will be like.

Paul said, "Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known."

Things **aren't** clear from this earthly perspective. This is why Jesus asks us to come to Him for perspective-adjustments (aka, prayer).

But someday...*POOF*...clarity will come! And oh the joy of that moment!

And so, I remind myself of this: Everyone who has this hope in him purifies himself, just as he is pure.

I must be purifying myself in the now. But someday--when He appears--no more coffee-fog! That's worth looking forward to!

And even, preparing for.

Working on the purifying,

-J

Dear friends, now we are children of God, and what we will be has not yet been made known. But we know that when he appears, we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is. --I John 3:2

Chagrined, but then again...

2010-05-18T23:41:00.003-04:00

The immodest torrent of emotion I expressed here on Mother's Day has left me feeling chagrined, ashamed.

I truly did, as I said I would, ..."[put] today to bed, and I will not enter this week burdened by these emotions." It's just that you couldn't know that since I was too embarrassed to show my face 'round these here parts.

But I'm back, and for good reasons. {smile}

A friend of mine who understand this journey has set me onto a writer called Leigh McLeroy. I finally ordered her book, The Beautiful Ache, have read one chapter, and am already thoroughly engaged.

Here's one reason why. This is the *fourth* sentence in chapter *one*:

"The best of all journeys may be a hard road to a good place; perhaps fully experiencing the hard, unpredictable road helps us to recognize the good place when we arrive."

See what I mean? Sentence FOUR is a humdinger, a good thought-provoker. I like this gal.

In a comparative mood, she spends time paralleling her journey out of Houston as a hurricane (I can only assume Rita) was baring down on the city with the Israelite's journey out of Egypt. And in the midst of her comparison, I caught this:

Three times in Exodus, God declares that His actions were designed to provoke the Egyptians to know Him as the one true God. For He says, "...the Egyptians will know that I am the LORD when I stretch out my hand against Egypt and bring the Israelites out of it. (Ex. 7:5)" And again in chapter 14, twice He says, "The Egyptians will know that I am the LORD when I gain glory through Pharaoh, his chariots and his horsemen."

God's actions were for the Israelites. They were for the Canaanites (who, 40 years later, would STILL be trembling over what God did in Egypt). But they were also for the Egyptians. And, I believe, both in judgment and in grace.

In my Western Civilization I class in college, I learned that Egypt--at this time in history, she was THE most powerful & advanced nation on earth--had a sudden shift at this point in time. History records that there was a dramatic change for at least one generation, from pluralism (many gods, including Pharoah himself) to monotheism.

God's actions brought to Egypt both judgment and grace, and they heard His call!

I serve a pretty amazing God. Grace to the slaves, the sons of Abraham. Grace to the enslavers, the Egyptians. So much grace.

Back to The Beautiful Ache. McLeroy writes this, too, which expresses my heart so well:

"Today I am painfully aware that I belong to another world--one I haven't seen and can only imagine. I live en route, in between. And as much as I dream of heaven, I love this life on earth. ... Because I believe that more exists, this life is my exodus, not my end. ... But thankfully, on the way to The Good, The True, and The Beautiful, we encounter the good, the true, and the beautiful. ... The challenge is to live in the 'now,' fully engaged by its conflicts--and to long just as expectantly for that non-yet arrived day when we will finally, breathlessly, completely arrive."

Truly, our hearts know what our minds forget: We are not home yet.

En route,

-J

Since you call on a Father who judges each man's work impartially, live your lives as strangers here in reverent fear. For you know that it was not with perishable things such as silver or gold that you were redeemed from the empty way of life handed down to you from your forefathers, but with the precious blood of Christ, a lamb without blemish or defect. --I Peter 1:17-19, NIV

Weeping for a Night (Psalm 30)

2010-05-09T22:50:00.000-04:00

Today has been hard.

I hate that today has been hard.

Today has been REALLY hard.

I really hate that.

I feel weak and wussie (sp?) and lame.

But it doesn't change the fact the today--Mother's Day, the day after my dear friend got married--has been hard.

Sometimes it is for me, and sometimes it isn't. And today...today was filled with ache and tears and regret.

And wishing that none of these things were true of me.

Every conversation, by phone or in person, every Facebook post, every email has required great emotional preparation and stamina.

I hate that, too.

I want to apologize. To you. To God. But I'm not sure I've done wrong, nor that I could do differently.

I'm not ungrateful. I'm VERY grateful. And I'm generally full of hope and joie de vivre.

But somehow, today, I'm just overwhelmed with emotion. Longing. Longing not to long. Wondering what I'm actually longing for. Truly unclear on what I would actually want. Wishing it would all go away.

So many tears. So many stupid tears.

I'm putting today to bed, and I will not enter this week burdened by these emotions. But, O God, could you sort out/clear out my heart? I'm ready to be done. My heart is yours...for whatever is to the praise of your glorious grace.

Tears and all.

-J

I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in His word I put my hope. My soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning, more than watchmen wait for the morning. O Israel, put your hope in the LORD, for with the LORD is unfailing love and with Him is full redemption. --Psalm 130:5-7, NIV

I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. --Psalm 27:13, NIV

Restless

2010-04-30T18:48:00.005-04:00

I am finding it hard to find words that will express what I'm feeling. I think the one that sums it up best is restless.

Restless.

Anxious...but not exactly.

Sad, but not fully.

Longing.

Ready.

Overwhelmed.

Underwhelmed.

Bored.

Itchy.

Restless.

....................................

I don't even know how to express this. I am hesitant to even try to express this.

And I am frightened to feel this. I have long practiced being content and managing my emotions, and have pretty well managed to keep these under control for the vast majority of my adult life. But now...

But now, I can no longer calm myself. My Lord can, but the times of calm grow shorter and shorter.

And I'm not sure if I should feel calm or restless...or both.

I do not lack peace. I have peace. I do not lack direction; I am walking in His ways.

But it's as if something, something is to happen / should be happening / is late happening.

Right now, I'm physically itchy/twitchy.

I have felt this way in some measure for months, perhaps six months or more. But over the past week it has grown and grown.

The emotions are so strong in me that I want to weep right now. I do not know 'why' or 'how' or 'what'. I do not know what is wisdom and what is foolishness...and I long for relief.

I have never encountered anything like this inside of me, and I pretty much don't like it. It's like when you were a kid, and tomorrow was the first day of camp...but the night never ends and the feeling never gets to abate. And after awhile, that anticipation is just not fun anymore. You just want to engage what you are looking forward to. You just want to demand that the morning come.

*sigh*

I've always been able to beat down the waves of my emotions and return to smooth sailing in pretty quick measure. But this time, it seems more like a tsunami than a wave, more like one giant wave that keeps coming and coming, ever rising with a quiet and unrelenting force.

And even as all this energy cruises through me, it exhausts me...but not so much that the feeling subsides.

Oh God, what would you have me do? Is this of Your purposes or my distraction? I both want and hate this, embrace and reject this.

Be merciful to me, O God. Remember that I am but dust. O Lord, save me, or I will be washed away with the tide.

Buoyantly His,

-J

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging. Selah. --Psalm 46:1-3, NIV

Unedited

2010-04-25T15:09:00.004-04:00

I realized today that I've created a problem for myself. I edit.

Now, in truth I do a lot of editing as part of my profession, and I actually enjoy that. But that's not what I'm referring to. I'm talking about my time here at (Always) In Development.

I started blogging as a place to just express myself and sort my thoughts. And I've done a lot of that. I blog to remember and I blog so I can get it out of my system and forget.

But today--and not for the first time in recent months--I felt a sort of sadness that I wanted to explore here...and I found myself choosing to not. I edited.

Why? Because I fear that people may take me to be at a different place than I am if I post too many blogs which are sad or 'negative' or on the same topic. It's happened.

But editing puts me in a place I don't want to be. It means that I'm writing my blog as a (slightly misrepresented) message to 'someone' instead of just truthfully--and often quite fully--putting my thoughts out there.

And this means, that I just end up not processing these things...and not posting.

So, I've got a lot of thoughts going on inside of me now--some sad, all normal--and I'm just going to have to stop the editing. 'Cause I need to sort and process here more than I need to worry about what others think of my mental health.

But just in case you are a worrier...I'm fine. I'm pretty much always fine. Seriously. I just need a place to process the things that are hard to verbalize, and knowing I have an audience means I sort my thoughts better.

So thank you. For letting me just be honest at any given moment. For knowing that if I'm sad for 3 entries in a row, that I'm really fine, I'm just dumping my sad (/hard/bad/irritated/etc.) feelings here so I can move on with life. And mostly, thanks for reading and caring. You are kinder to me than I deserve.

I'll be back soon...

Unedited.

-J

Therefore, since through God's mercy we have this ministry, we do not lose heart. Rather, we have renounced secret and shameful ways; we do not use deception, nor do we distort the word of God. On the contrary, by setting forth the truth plainly we commend ourselves to every man's conscience in the sight of God. --I Corinthians 4:1-2

A Guest Blogger for Ten Things for Tuesday

2010-04-06T16:55:00.007-04:00

I've tried to wrap my brain--and yours--around the changes God has brought about in my life over the past 2-1/2 years, and I've often not been successful. But then this weekend, my best friend asked if she could write my "Ten Things for Tuesday" blog entry...on the subject of the 'new me.' Intrigued, I agreed...and have been forbidden from editing or commenting further. SO, please allow my to introduce my best friend T and her...

10 “New” Things for Tuesday

Guest blogger here. Writing 10 NEW things for Tuesday. No - not because it’s a new list or a new blogger. But because it’s a new J and a new range of normal each week it seems. So I’m sharing.

It’s a quick blog and won’t be the best writing you read here (or my best period). But that’s not the point. The point is that when you silently ask “who are you?” of your best friend enough times in a week or two, those things beg to be blogged. And this fact hit me again this weekend.

J may not share these things, think to share these things, or even recognize to share these things. But as I kept running across this stranger in my yard, I had to post. And I get to brag on my friend in the process.

Examples?

#1. She’s helped with yard work at least 3 times in the past several weeks. And she volunteered.

Important background: her first words when deciding if she would rent from me were, “I don’t do yard work.” And I have repeatedly been reminded that this is why she rents, not owns. Now... it’s still volunteer so renting remains favorable because she can also NOT volunteer :) . But she did AND enjoyed herself. The last part is what scared me. Of course, she’s also now a little possessive of the arbor, but that’s another blog.

#2. She gets edgy when inactive. This is humourous and fun to watch .. and also annoying and disturbing. Sometimes I think I’m sharing a house with myself. Do I have to pay my mortgage twice?

#3. Saturday she woke up late. She went out anyway without showering. Ok, so she’s probably done that before. Not often, mind you. Not often at all. Maybe - maybe - in an emergency. In the dark. And ok, a few other times. But again, those who know, know this is an oddity. But that’s not the official newness. When she finished her 4-mile trail walk, she was still willing to drop by an event where she would be seen by people she knew and worked with ... without primping. THAT’S the newness. Seriously. No hairbrush. No make-up drill in the car. No panic, no delays, no having to be talking into it. She just added a hat ... Oh wait...

#4. She has a hat she can throw on and go, if needed. Or even if not needed.

#5. She has gear. Real gear. Like the hat.

It’s not a ball cap. It’s an athletic-y hat from the women’s section, but it’s a GREAT hat and is perfect for her. She may sweat and be active and be ok with that, but she’s still J. With J style and fashion after all. Can I get a picture here? It’s a great hat even when not active.

#6. On a different topic - she now scares me with her random disclosures of new things she’d like to try. Many of which I had been warned-off and discouraged from doing by same person. Hmmm.

--------------------

OK - break in the list here. Those are true and great examples, but some things don’t fall into a category. Like this one. She’ll hurt me for it but it came about from an unexpected comment and it’s so perfectly relevant it has to be shared.

#7. I’m not the only one who can smell “earthy” at the end of a Saturday now. Gross, I know - but had to be shared. Those who know her well know what I mean. No midday showers if active work to be done.

----------------------

I’m almost done but I have to separate the next two because the first is one of the items that prompted this list. These don’t happen all the time, mind you, so don’t get any false impressions of how much we actually get to eyeball each other. This was an unusual and blessed weekend and I’m ecstatic for it. And in the midst of it came some of the inspiration for the guest blog:

#8. I had the joy of watching a movie on a laptop outside in the sun the other day. On a blanket on the grass with my friend. And it wasn’t my idea.

#9. I walked on the trails Saturday morning looking for Easter eggs. And again it wasn’t my idea. Yeah - I had planned to go anyway, but SHE mentioned it to ME. So you get two for one here: she’s outside and liking it, and she initiated. I had to include the two together.

#10. She knows who Clark Kellogg is, how to pronounce Krzyzewski, and puts selection Sunday on her calendar early each year. On her own.

OK, so #10 has nothing to do with the fact that she lost weight, but still how cool is that?

#11. Am I allowed an 11 for a Ten Things list? Of course I am. Ten words: she has a garden and she mixed manure for it.

Now - lest you close friends, and esp family, start feeling an intervention is necessary before you lose her completely ... she still scoffed at the smell, ran from the wasps, and has a few other funny stories to tell. She’s still very much your sister, daughter, and friend you know and love.

And she still won’t bungee. But neither will I. Not cuz of fear, but because I’m close to old and if you separate my spine from my hip bone for a brief second at the bottom of the drop, it may not merge back together like it once would have. It saddens me to admit that in public. Maybe I’m changing too ... I just hope mine is as productive as J’s.

--T

Blessings (and thanks to my friend),

-J

A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity. --Proverbs 17:17

Note to My Chinese-Character Commenter...

2010-04-06T09:51:00.002-04:00

Dear Commenter,

I wish I could read your {presumably kind} words, but I don't know Chinese. Any chance you could post in English?

Thanks for visiting!

And blessings,

-J

From My Inbox

2010-03-31T08:41:00.003-04:00

Each day I receive a Daily Manna from the Net email with a portion of Scripture enclosed. This timely and encouraging reminder was today's post:

For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. But if anyone does not have them, he is nearsighted and blind, and has forgotten that he has been cleansed from his past sins. Therefore, my brothers, be all the more eager to make your calling and election sure. For if you do these things, you will never fall, and you will receive a rich welcome into the eternal kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. --2 Peter 1:5-11

Faith.

Goodness.

Knowledge.

Self-Control.

Perseverance.

Godliness.

Brotherly Kindness.

Love.

In increasing measure.

Will keep you from being ... ineffective ... and unproductive ... in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Don't have these? You are:

... Nearsighted.

... Blind.

... Forgetful of the pit from which Christ dragged you.

Do have these? You will:

... Be ever more certain of God's work in your life.

... Never fall.

... Receive a rich welcome into Christ's eternal kingdom.

Thank you, Peter. I am applying all my might and resting in His transforming grace. I'll see you at the finish line.

See you there, too?

-J

Ten Things AGAIN?

2010-03-30T12:30:00.001-04:00

I know! Two weeks in a row. Christ's return must be soon! ;-)

Ten Thoughts for 'Holy Week':

1. I do not like to consider the events leading up to the resurrection. I like bows on packages and happy endings. But I cannot seem to escape the thought this week that we who were called to share in the sufferings of Christ must first consider His sufferings. And so I {painfully} ponder...

2. To save us is pleasing to God: "I, even I, am He who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake, and remembers your sins no more." (Isaiah 43:25, NIV)

3. We can only have a correct perspective on God when we balance intimacy (I have called you friends) with glory (I am the LORD, who has made all things, who alone stretched out the heavens, who spread out the earth by myself...).

4. The Christian walk is such a beautiful dichotomy: die to live. Give to gain. Have power in weakness. Bear a cross to find rest.

5. To create is God's nature: In the beginning and over and over again in our lives. We, who in Christ became new creations, are being re-newed day by day, re-fined into ever-closer similarities to our Savior. Though I must walk in obedience, I cannot change me...but God in His mercy can and does!

6. It was not possible for there to be a more terrible death for our Savior: the refined physical suffering of a death on a cross; the curse of dying on a tree; the rejection of a holy Father; the wrath of God--an eternity of hell for each person--borne in a few hours. What love is this?

7. God the Father resurrected Jesus from the dead, and in so doing, declared that BOTH sin (on the cross) and its natural-born child death (via an empty grave) were defeated! If Jesus had not died, sin would have won. If Jesus had not lived again, death would have won. But through Jesus' death and resurrection, Jesus--and and us in Him--won...for all eternity. That deserves a HALLELUJAH!

8. The power of the resurrection is the SAME POWER that is at work in us as believers! Do we truly believe that? (Considering the lack of power we walk in, I suspect that we do not.) (Ephesians 1:19-20)

9. I saw a rainbow yesterday. I remembered how God, in His mercy, covenanted with mankind never again to judge with a utterly catastrophic flood...and felt so sad. God is crying out in all creation, and in His Incarnation, and in His Word, and in His people for all mankind to see Him, to repent of their sins, and to come to Him! And how very few--so very, very few--listen.

10. Another thought bouncing around in my mind for awhile: How different would we look if we pressed in to follow God in holiness? (I Peter 1:15-16) Perhaps this needs to be unpacked on another day, as there is an awful lot here.

Welp...that's all I've got for now. This week, may you know the sorrow of the sacrifice and the resplendence of the resurrection in all their fullness!

-J

I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead. --Philippians 3:10-11, NIV

Thinking God-Thoughts

2010-03-25T14:23:00.007-04:00

God's love changes everything.

Understanding God's unconditional love for you changes you.

It was His love that set me free to begin my weight-loss journey. What I mean is, it was understanding His love that set me free. I was fully loved just the way I was, and that brought the freedom to change.

There is so much more. I cannot even begin to express it all. But today, I heard Derwin Gray say this: "Why does God love you? Because it delights His heart to do so."

That is, it's got NOTHING to do with who you are or what you've done/are doing/will do. Isn't that AMAZING?!

And then, I thought of this verse:
Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death. For what the law was powerless to do in that it was weakened by the sinful nature, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful man to be a sin offering. And so he condemned sin in sinful man, in order that the righteous requirements of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the sinful nature but according to the Spirit. --Romans 8:1-4

And then, my mind bounced to this hymn:

No condemnation now I dread;

Jesus, and all in Him, is mine.

Alive in Him, my living head,

And clothed in righteousness divine.

Bold, I approach the eternal throne

And claim the crown through Christ my own.

Amazing love! How can it be

That Thou my God shouldst die for me?

Clearly, my head is all over the place.  And so much of this is bound up in the lessons & changes I've experienced over the last several years, ones I hope to continue to get to unpack it for you here.  But for now, I'm off to keep processing it all.  I'm pretty sure this is good stuff.

His, and blessed beyond measure,
-J

You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.  -Psalm 16:11, NIV

Ten Things for Second Tuesday

2010-03-24T12:02:00.001-04:00

You remember second breakfast? From Lord of the Rings? Well, this is Second Tuesday. I know technically it is Wednesday, but since I didn't post yesterday when it was actually Tuesday, AND since what I want to post is a "Ten Things for Tuesday" list, I declare it Second Tuesday.

So there.

Now, just ten just random things (I added that extra "just" on purpose, just to mess with you):

1. I love over-sized mugs. Hot cocoa and hot tea every night...in my over-sized mugs! Happiness!

2. Know the color of the sky as dawn is breaking, when it's just a soft blue and the trees are still black against it? That is the perfect blue.

3. When God freed and changed me 2-1/2 years ago, He REALLY changed me, in so many ways. As in, I-am-actually-a-different-person "changed me." Deep-down "changed me." In ways I continue to learn. In ways I really like. In ways I'm really, really grateful for.

4. I spent months struggling to find ways to exercise around a couple of injuries, and mostly just fell into a pit of discouragement and despair. And over-eating. But over the past 6 weeks or so, I've been able to (mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and physically) ease back into some exercise. And I'd forgotten how very much my body LOVES exercise. It's like a happy drug for my muscles. I like this happy drug. :-D

5. I suspect I overuse hand sanitizer. I don't want to hear about this from you, my lovely readers. This is confession, not correction, time. However, it is a hard habit to ease back on when it seems to work! I just made it through cold and flu season without getting ill! Whahoo!

6. I look forward to heaven more and more and more. For good reasons--I long to see my Savior and worship with perfection--and for hard reasons--I hate sin and its aftermath more than ever before. I hate the pain and rebellion that this world revels in. I hate that I so often stray when I should cling. I want to be in a place where I will never again cease to embrace the cross.

7. My dad has shared something with me a few times over the years that I see more and more as true: Life doesn't fall into neat categories the way we'd sometimes like to make it. So many times we say things like, "Your priorities are God first, then your spouse, followed by your children, then your ministry, then your neighbors..." Etcetera. Etcetera. But life is really more like a juggling act than a checklist, and sometimes you just have to do the best you can to keep the balls in the air, usually by addressing the ones in your hands right now.

8. I love rings but I have ugly hands. (I like to think of them as working hands, but still, the truth is that they aren't pretty.) And recently, my favorite ring fell off my finger (due to skinnier-than-they-used-to-be hands) and disappeared. And I am really sad over this.

9. My philosophy on hair and make-up and clothing is this: Dress so I can forget about me. I try to make myself look appropriately at the beginning of the day and touch up as needed through the day, but the reason I do so is so that I am not distracted by thoughts of me otherwise. I promise, if I came to work without mascara, I would spend my day distracted by the thought of me looking like a refugee unnecessarily. So I wear them to forget.

10. I'm very proud that I used the adverbial form (appropriately) in #9. Things like this give me hope for the world. Now you're worried, huh? ;-)

Okay, no grand promises on when I'll return again, but it sure has been nice visiting with you today. And as always, may you have eyes to see His blessings today.

Joyfully,

-J

...May all who seek You rejoice and be glad in You; may those who love Your salvation always say, "The LORD be exalted!" --Psalm 40:16, NIV

'Ten Things for Tuesday' Returns!

2010-02-23T13:12:00.004-05:00

Well, it's not quite as good as The Return of the King (Tolkien's book, not the movie), but it'll have to satisfy you folk who actually care to hear something from the deep recesses of my brain. Or, my brain on recess...which is the more likely event.

Anyway, I just thought I'd free associate for a moment, using a satisfying-to-the-structure-needer-in-me format known as a list. Pretty cool stuff you can learn here, huh? {that'll keep 'em coming back!}

Here we go:

1. I swear I'm a lady, but the steak I am currently eating actually caused me to drool just now. Perhaps a lady wouldn't have mentioned that... (The ladies in the audience just said, "Ewww." The men just said, "Steak?")

2. I think some people are praying for me, as I feel like me life is slowing settling back down--emotionally, physically, spiritually. I wouldn't say I'm out of the proverbial woods (and I'm pretty sure that would mean being in heaven anyway), but things are definitely better than they were 4 or 8 weeks ago. If you are one of those peeps, I thank you very, very much.

3. I've been able to FINALLY start doing a little bit of exercise again. I've done 4 sessions of Pilates in the past 8 days, and I'm feeling mighty fine about it. I haven't been able to start running (or even walking for exercise) yet, but I now actually have hope that I might be able to again. The challenge will be to hold myself back until my body is ready.

4. One can lose a lot of muscle tone in, say, 4.5 months of non-exercise. This is not a hypothesis; it is a conclusion.

5. I just learned how little I like starting over. On the other hand, I also learned that I really love it when my muscles hurt from working out. These balance out in the end, I think.

6. In most areas of life, I am an optimist. However, when it comes to the health of my body, I've realized lately that I am a pessimist. There is some legitimacy in my persuasion, but it's still not a great perspective. I've decided to try to work on this. But I hope that doesn't mean I have more health issues in my future... :-)

7. I think I am no longer an extrovert, if an extrovert is defined (as Myers-Briggs does) by someone who draws their energy from others. I still LOVE people, but I find I must have a substantial amount of down/quiet time to balance these interactions. I have been surprised to discover that people drain me. Now the question is...was I always like that and have just now settled into who I am? ...or, Did I become this way due to aging, being single, etc., or some combination thereof? It is moot, I suppose, but a curiosity.

8. I wish it was (were?!) appropriate for me to speak the way they did in Georgian England. I think I could do a splendid job of sounding Jane Austen-ish. And, I miss the vocabulary! {oh, to use big words and not be thought of as a snob/freak/Yankee}

9. I love the Olympics! Love, love, love! However, I always kinda thought Ice Dancing was, well, skanky. I watched some this year, and while some of it WAS skanky, there was actually some talent and taste on the ice. I am very pleased over the gold and silver medalists' performances.

Didn't think I could get this far, did we?

10. I will probably sound nuts trying to put these thoughts into words, but the older I get, the more amazed and humbled and grateful I become: I love God so much. So much more than I used to. I love that I get to know Him and love Him. I love that His Word is deeper than my brain can attain and wider than my thoughts will ever go...yet is is accessible to any thinking child. It is a miracle that I will sing of over and over in eternity. I love that we get all of eternity to know and discover God. Our God is awe-worthy.

Well, I can't really go up from there, so I'll 'go dark.'

Alive in Him,

-J

"Great and marvelous are Your deeds, Lord God Almighty. Just and true are Your ways, King of the ages. Who will not fear You, O Lord, and bring glory to Your name? For You alone are holy. All nations will come and worship before You, for Your righteous acts have been revealed." -Revelation 15:3b, 4, NIV

Yes-es

2010-02-17T18:46:00.006-05:00

A week or two ago, someone posted a question on Facebook:

What are you most proud of in life?

A powerful, clarifying question, don't you think?

I pondered it for a few days, and finally reached a conclusion. A surprising conclusion: The list was not important...but what each item on that list had in common was important.

Each item in my life that would make that list--each of them--was something which was simply a "Yes," to God's call. There is not one thing on my very short list (which shall remain private) that wasn't simply me saying, "yes," when God said, "Go," or, "Do this." Usually, in the face of great personal fear.

Every. single. item. of which I could be proud was simply an act of obedience to God's call.

Makes me glad I can hear His voice.

Kinda makes me want to say yes more often. :-)

Blessed to be led by Him who knows no bounds,
-J

"For the eyes of the LORD range throughout the earth to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to him... --2 Chronicles 16:9a, NIV

I Am Alive

2010-02-04T21:00:00.008-05:00

Yes, really, I am! Alive, I am! :-)

I know it's hard to verify when I am absent from here. I'm sorry about that. I want to be here more, but since I haven't really been able to do so--for so many reasons--I'll just apologize to you and work on not beating myself up over it.

But I wanted you to know, I am alive!

Still questioning? Let me prove it:

See! This photo was taken during one of the most wonderful weeks of my life. My entire immediate family--all 16 and 1/2 of us--were gathered under one (rented) roof for an entire week in early January. It has been 4 years since that happened, and one spouse and three children have been added in the interim. And it will most likely be that many years or more before it ever happens again.

But oh, the gift of those precious hours and days together. Almost all the people I love best together under one roof... So many hours spent playing and singing and gaming and cooking and eating... It was wonderful. Truly, a jewel crafted by the Lord and given as a gift to me/us. I am so grateful!

Wanna see all of us crazy folk? Well, we don't usually clean up this good, but...

Happy days are here again!

I'll try to be back soon. It feels surprisingly good to be typing these things. And, as usual, I've got stuff on my heart to share. Let the therapy and praising begin!

Blessings until then,
-J

P.S. An extra for you: Here's what happens when an aunt tries to get a pic with all the nieces & nephews...even though the pictures caused them to miss nap time...

I will sing to the LORD, for he has been good to me. --Psalm 13:6, NIV

I'm Con-be-fuzzled

2009-12-14T20:49:00.003-05:00

Wow. I've posted a couple of times recently on the struggles I've been having with being single. Well here's an irony for you.

This evening during a phone conversation, a friend of mine said something about me wanting to be married. And--are you ready for this?--everything in my heart welled up and said...

"No, I don't!"

Talk about a woman who doesn't even know her own mind.

I suppose one could not want to be single and not want to be married...but that doesn't really leave you many options, now does it?

Or, perhaps I'm just vacillating. That is probably more likely.

Whichever it is, clearly I'm con-be-fuzzled.

Might just be as nuts as I sound,
-J

Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. --Psalm 139:23, NIV

Joy vs. REjoy

2009-12-14T14:20:00.005-05:00

Here's a quick thought for the day that has been banging around in my head for a week or more:

Joy is a something given, a gift.
Re-joy-ing (rejoicing) is our choice.

We are often told is Scripture to re-joice. But remember that the prefix 're-' means "again." It is God who first gives joy, then we get to embrace it again and again.

Don't we serve a good & gracious God?

REjoicing in His first advent and anxiously awaiting His second,
-J

And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. But the angel said to them, "Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger."
Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying,
"Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests."
--Luke 2:8-14, NIV

Repentant Blogging

2009-12-04T20:39:00.000-05:00

Okay, so yesterday I realized that a lot more people try to follow this blog than I realized. ('Try' is the correct word, too, since there have been frequent and sudden stops to my postings since this summer.) Which lead to great remorse and self-flagellation...in spirit (no actual bruises ensued). And since I grow bored beating up on myself, I decided to try to blog more often.

See, problem easily solved! No bruises required.

Besides, I bruise easily and often anyway, so it seemed a bit redundant.

Anyway, I resolved to try to post more frequently. And thus, this. :-)

And that's pretty much all I have to say today. Bwhahahahaha!

But... I will be posting more frequently, so stay tuned. I might even accidentally say something interesting. It hasn't happened yet, but the laws that govern chance are with me.

Blessings all!
-J

Many, O LORD my God, are the wonders you have done. The things you planned for us no one can recount to you; were I to speak and tell of them, they would be too many to declare. --Psalm 40:5

Catching Up and Bearing Up

2009-12-03T19:17:00.006-05:00

Well, I've been absent mostly because I've been struggling. Deep, wrestling struggling. The kind your own mind doesn't even recognize fully, so you're certainly not able to express it to anyone else. And frankly, it's pretty much consumed most of my spare energy. However, a few things worth noting have happened over the past few weeks:

1. My sister and her family returned from their 'far-out' service to our Savior...however, I haven't gotten to see them yet. I live a long way away from their 'home base' so I was the lone family member who didn't get to meet them at the airport. (Let's just say there were some tears involved in my evening that day...) But fair warning: I wouldn't stand between me and then come January when we all get together!! :-) Three and one-half years is a really long time...

2. For breast cancer awareness month (October), I decided to, just for kicks, get a biopsy done. My third one. And then, when everything on the biopsy was fine, I decided--again, just for kicks--to bleed internally and end up with one of the largest hematomas they'd ever seen following a biopsy of this type. Cool, no? And then (yep, there's more), I decided to not heal properly, so I keep having to go back and visit those fine folks. It's been a bundle of laughs. (Or, it's nerve-wracking every.single.time. One or the other.)

3. My mother had a major back surgery, which went well...until she caught a VERY serious staph infection and had to have a second major surgery, was placed on isolation, and given antibiotic transfusions twice a DAY. For six weeks. That poor woman has seen more health problems than most anyone I know, and she still keeps upbeat. (Which is why I had to type #2 first, 'cause my problems pale significantly in the light of hers.)

4. I shared the full testimony of my (weight-loss) Journey at a ladies event at my church. It was wonderful and amazing to see God's story impact others! It was exhausting to walk through that process. It has been exceedingly difficult to stand under the onslaught that Satan unleashed against me both before and since.

5. The lower level of my house took on some water...pretty much just in my bedroom, my office, and my closet. The cause is fixed and almost no actual damage was done (and I am GRATEFUL!), but only two out of the three spaces have been cleaned and reorganized. The mammoth job of cleaning up my office still awaits me. It may end up being a 2010 project at this point... :-) Although, crawling over the pile at the door does give me some exercise...

6. I've been a-workin'. The Christmas season is one of our busiest seasons at work (I work for a worship & arts ministry in a local church), and we added a big-name concert the week before Thanksgiving. 'Cause we thought we had lots o' spare time, apparently. Ahhhh.....!

7. I ate too much over Thanksgiving. Let's just say that the peanut butter fudge (oh mercy) and Chex mix and sweet potato casserole (which, I must say, I finally PERFECTED!) and 'lightened-up' pumpkin pie were just a tad too tempting for me. Or, more accurately, I gladly surrendered my long-term goals to short-term pleasures. However, I believe I am back on track. (Good thing, too, 'cause apparently you can cause a lot of damage in a short period of time. Ugh.)

But quietly, the biggest thing has been those 'stirred waters' I referenced last entry. God has only amplified these emotions and required of me to look deeply here.

And would it be wrong to say, I don't understand?

I'm not really one to need to understand God's ways. Me=pea-brain; God=God. I get that...and rarely question.

But I really felt I was content in the life God had given me...and I'm not quite sure why He has allowed--and perhaps even caused--it to become so much harder for me to be content.

...But I still choose Him. And I still choose to wage the battle to be content, though it seems to grow harder by the day.

Because no matter how challenging things get, this is my 'reasonable worship', no?

And because no matter how I feel, He IS good.

Still worshipping,
And still His,
-J

Oh, and P.S. You're awfully glad I wrote this today and not yesterday. Let's just say...I was kinda emotional about all this yesterday. You're welcome. :-D

I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service. --Romans 12:1, KJV

I say to myself, 'The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.' The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD. It is good for a man to bear the yoke while he is young[-ish]. Let him sit alone in silence, for the LORD has laid it on him. Let him bury his face in the dust--there may yet be hope. Let him offer his cheek to one who would strike him, and let him be filled with disgrace. For men are not cast off by the Lord forever. Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love. --Lamentations 3:24-32, NIV

An Offering to a Good God

2009-11-16T19:37:00.007-05:00

I live life on the verge of tears these days.

I am not PMS-y, nor has anyone died, nor has any bad thing happened in my life.

I am just very emotional.

And as crazy as this will seem, I'm pretty sure God's behind this.

I feel keenly that He has 'stirred the waters' in my life, and now I find that I am so. very. intensely, achingly...lonely.

I have, through the years, had moments/periods of struggle with being single, and have laid my life down again and again on His alter. I have learned the act of worship of laying down desires through a cloud of tears. I have said (and confirmed again and again), "Yes," to, "whatever He brings, whenever He brings it."

But God has begun a series of conversations with me that won't allow me to suppress my desire to have an earthly home. In fact, I really believe He has grown that desire. But He has also not opened that door.

He stirred the waters...and then asked me to live with the waves.

And it's hard. So very hard. I can close the door to my heart and deny almost anything. It's a well-worn skill I picked up years ago. (I'm not saying it's good; I'm just saying I can do it.)

But He won't let me deny. The call is to face my aching heart full on...and still say, "Yes, Lord. I offer my heart and all it possesses to You. Again. And I'll do it again tomorrow. Though the pain increases. Ad infinitum."

My God is not cruel. He is good. And He works all things for the good of those who love Him. So--somehow--this process, this pain is good.

I long ago signed on for anything His hand had to offer. ANYthing. Because despite the fact that I deserve na.da, He gives good gifts to His children...and He was pleased to call me as His child.

So I wait. I wait for my God to see, to hear, to answer, to comfort. But just so I'm clear, I know that even the waiting is from His good hand.

Even if it hurts.

Completely His,
-J

But as for me, I watch in hope for the LORD, I wait for God my Savior; my God will hear me.
--Micah 7:7

On Being Known

2009-11-04T23:33:00.003-05:00

It's been too long, and so much good and so much hard has happened in the interim. And I'm sorry to say, I just don't have the emotional energy to go there. So, I eschew the guilt that I feel, muster all the energy I have, and take you to tonight, to something that just happened...

In a Bible study I participated in this evening, they opened by reading this {Go on, read it}:

1 O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.

2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.

3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.

4 Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.

5 You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.

6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.

7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?

8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,

10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.

11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"

12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.

14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

17 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!

Can I tell you something? These words, these ideas used to freak me out totally. I didn't want to be found/seen/known that often/much/well. Never being hidden frightened me.

But tonight, I discovered it was different. Tonight, I was in tears almost immediately. As the young woman read these words, I felt known and loved. And for just a moment, I didn't feel quite so desperately alone. Alone as in capital A. As in, not married and left to fend for myself.

I honestly don't go here much, but lately, this has been a harder and harder issue for me. I just find myself turning to the Lord so often and saying, "I don't have a husband. Will you be my husband here? Will you counsel me, instruct me, protect me, provide for me?"

And you know what? He does. More and more I have ears to hear it, but He does. And tonight, when those words were read, I felt known in ways I long to be known and loved in ways I long to be loved. And though my sin may corrupt my reception or response, His love is absolutely perfect.

And I am grateful.

-J

The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me;
your love, O LORD, endures forever—
do not abandon the works of your hands. --Psalm 138:8, NIV

Slippin' and A-slidin'

2009-09-18T00:21:00.006-04:00

So many victories have been happening in my life lately. I've been incredibly humbled to experience so very many moments of Christ-made-evident.

And yet...

Tonight, I looked around and realized that an old area of sin and struggle had snuck up in the midst of the victories and latched its ugly head back on me like the leech that it is.

And I'm at a total loss. This area--though I can go for very long periods of time without failing--when failed in, produces long periods of 'payback.' And tonight, it seems too much, too great, once too many a time...

And all I can do is throw myself, again, on the mercy of the Lord, and ask for His grace. Oh to be fully delivered! Oh to simply be 'home,' never to succumb to my sinfulness again!

I cannot even express to you how very heavy my heart is tonight. God forgives freely (and I am forgiven), but as I have learned over many years, He does not always (or even often) remove the consequences of our sins. And these particular consequences drag on and on. Oh that He would free and restore me fully! My heart cries out...

O Lord, save me! (Psalm 116:4)

-J

HERE I AM:

Some became fools through their rebellious ways
and suffered affliction because of their iniquities.
They loathed all food
and drew near the gates of death.
Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble...

HERE I HOPE TO BE:
...and he saved them from their distress.
He sent forth his word and healed them;
he rescued them from the grave.
Let them give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love
and his wonderful deeds for men.
Let them sacrifice thank offerings
and tell of his works with songs of joy. --Psalm 107:17-22, NIV

I must tell Jesus all of my trials;

I cannot bear these burdens alone;

In my distress He kindly will help me;

He ever loves and cares for His own.

I must tell Jesus! I must tell Jesus!

I cannot bear these burdens alone;

I must tell Jesus! I must tell Jesus!

Jesus can help me, Jesus alone.

Timings

2009-09-17T16:54:00.000-04:00

Today, I realized...

Despite that fact that I so often want God to move *more quickly* in my life, I know that it is His kindness that moves me slowly, for I would break at the speed I wish to obtain.

And despite the many times I wish He would *slow down*, it is His goodness that refuses to let me languish in my natural state.

This is exactly the pace needed to create in me the image of His Son and the holiness to which He calls me.

I serve a GREAT God!

That's what I'm thinking today.

Riding this boat at exactly the right speed,
-J

"But when the TIME had FULLY come, God sent his Son, born of a woman, born under law, to redeem those under law, that we might receive the full rights of sons." --Galatians 4:4-5

"You see, at just the RIGHT TIME, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly." --Romans 5:6

(c) 2009

Cursed & Blind vs. Blessed & Verdant

2009-09-09T11:18:00.004-04:00

This passage was in my inbox this morning:

⁵ This is what the LORD says:
"Cursed is the one who trusts in man,
who depends on flesh for his strength
and whose heart turns away from the LORD.

⁶ "He will be like a bush in the wastelands;
he will not see prosperity when it comes.
He will dwell in the parched places of the desert,
in a salt land where no one lives.

⁷ "But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD,
whose confidence is in him.

⁸ "He will be like a tree planted by the water
that sends out its roots by the stream.
It does not fear when heat comes;
its leaves are always green.
It has no worries in a year of drought
and never fails to bear fruit." --Jeremiah 17:5-8, NIV

Want to trust in man? Check out the results: you will be cursed by the LORD, and so very blinded that even when prosperity comes, you will not be able to see it! It's not that prosperity doesn't come, it's that you are blinded to its presence! Wowser.

Kinda makes the alternative even MORE appealing, doesn't it?

Just my ponderings,
-J

¹ Blessed is the man
who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked
or stand in the way of sinners
or sit in the seat of mockers.
² But his delight is in the law of the LORD,
and on his law he meditates day and night.
³ He is like a tree planted by streams of water,
which yields its fruit in season
and whose leaf does not wither.
Whatever he does prospers.
⁴ Not so the wicked!
They are like chaff
that the wind blows away.
⁵ Therefore the wicked will not stand in the judgment,
nor sinners in the assembly of the righteous.
⁶ For the LORD watches over the way of the righteous,
but the way of the wicked will perish.

--Psalm 1, NIV

Seven Hundred and Thirty Days

2009-09-08T23:04:00.002-04:00

As the world gets quiet and I reach the end of my day, I remember this:

Jesus is the author and finisher of our faith. (Hebrews 12:2, KJV)

And I realize this:

He's also the author and finisher of the chapters within the books of our lives.

And He's just concluded one chapter in my book.

And I can hardly breathe at the beauty of the road He has taken me down, at the loveliness of the story He has written into my life.

Tonight, I "made Lifetime" in Weight Watchers. This milestone means:

**I have lost all the weight I set out to lose and am now at a healthy weight.

and...

**I have maintained that weight (or within +/- 2 pounds of it) for 6 weeks.

God has brought me all the way. He told me when I started this journey that we would go all the way to the finish line. He didn't tell me where that line was, or what the journey would look like, or how long it would take, but He told me we would go all the way.

And so we have. Carried on the wings of His Spirit, I have been brought to the place of health in my relationship to food, in my perspective on exercise, in the actual weight of my body. He has rooted out sin that fed into these issues. I have been given a freedom I never imagined. I am living.

For if you live according to the sinful nature, you will die; BUT if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will LIVE, because those who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. --Romans 8:13-15, NIV

Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death. For what the law was powerless to do in that it was weakened by the sinful nature, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful man to be a sin offering. --Romans 8:1-3, NIV

Sweet liberty...I am free. What I could not do for myself, Jesus Himself did for me. This is the love of Jesus Christ made manifest in my life.

There simply aren't words to convey the depth of my emotion, of my gratitude.

Seven hundred and thirty days. This journey has taken seven hundred and thirty days. Two years exactly. And now, this chapter is closed.

And tomorrow, 9.9.2009, a new one begins. May it, too, be ever and always,

To the praise of His glorious grace which He has freely given us in the One He loves (Ephesians 1:6, NIV),

-J

To him who loves us and has freed us from our sins by his blood, and has made us to be a kingdom and priests to serve his God and Father—to him be glory and power for ever and ever! Amen. --Revelation 1:5b-6, NIV

Where I Went

2009-09-02T09:08:00.006-04:00

Uh...Hi.

Remember me?

I've not been around here much this summer.

What I would like to say is that my two-month absence from blogging was because I bought one of those much-coveted, around-the-world tickets and did a quick tour to check out God's creation & handiwork on each continent.

Wouldn't it be amazing to be able to say that? I'd love to say that...if only it were true.

What's actually accurate is that I ceased blogging by accident. I:

1.) Got very busy at work.

2.) Did some vacation traveling.

3.) Updated my computer, which now won't use the 'paste' function in Internet Explorer...and it turns out I paste into my blog...a LOT. {This and future entries brought to you by Firefox.} I'm not sure why it took over a month for me to think, "Perhaps I should try another browser." I'm kind of a slow thinker sometimes. It's due to a coffee shortage, I think.

4.) I got overwhelmed by how much I had wanted to blog about but hadn't, feeling--as perfectionists are wont to--that I must catch up before moving on. Turns out, this isn't necessarily true. SWEET FREEDOM! :-)

...and the combination of these factors simply meant I didn't get here. And I've missed it. And you've missed it {wink}. I've composed many a pertinent and powerful post in my head over the summer. (The early morning alliteration is free!) But, to revel in the freedom I've discovered from the bondage of #4 above, I'm just gonna move on.

Okay...I might reach back a tiny bit and update you on a couple of things. 'Cause I'm a first-born, and we're all about order. {And tradition. And bossiness. But I digress..} But just a bit.

Okay, how about right now? I'll just give you a teaser: I hit a couple of big milestones in The Journey (code for my weight-loss journey). More on that soon...

Until then, I remain,
Mostly faithfully yours,
-J

May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. The one who calls you is faithful and he will do it. --I Thessalonians 5:23-24, NIV

{Bye Now!}

(c) 2009

Making Choices

2009-09-01T13:55:00.005-04:00

I recently ran into an acquaintance from college on Facebook, and discovered that she was struggling because the doctors had found a lump in her breast. Since I've been down that road a few times now, she dropped me a note, and I wrote a quick response. And I thought I would share it with you, as this is still a very real and active battle in my heart and mind. But listed here are the tools I call to mind to face the fears that surface on this subject.

L,
Truth is, most lumps felt are benign. I went in for felt lumps over several years, and the last time they found things not felt, and those are the things they are watching now. I have to wait and let them grow before they can determine what they are. (Joy! lol!) Things moved very quickly each time I had a 'discovery' so I think that is less "They are afraid," than it is "We don't wait to see if we should be worried about this." I hope that's comforting. :-} I've had two types of biopsies over the past several years, and innumerable ultrasounds and mammograms.

Anyway, I say all that to say that I surely understand the fears; it's not uncommon for concerns about this to surface in my mind, and since my grandmother died from breast cancer, it's a real concern. But I force myself to remember these three things:

1.) "All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." (Psalm 139) My life CANNOT be shortened. I will live EVERY day God planned for me to live.

2.) In fact, even all the good stuff I would be called to do was predetermined, according to Ephesians 2: "For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." Including good stuff like representing Jesus to the mammographer. :-}

3.) And, I choose to live each day in THAT day. Meaning, I don't borrow tomorrow's trouble. For all I know right now, I am perfectly healthy. I might, tomorrow, have some kind of disease...or I might meet Mr. Right! But today's trouble--and God's strength in the midst of that trouble--is enough. Nobody has ever borrowed the grace God was going to give them tomorrow, though they have surely borrowed the trouble allotted for tomorrow! No WONDER it seemed overwhelming, no? LOL! (Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. --Matthew 6:34)

I have certainly struggled, and still do at times, but I find these moments of fear and doubt have opened for me opportunities to renew my faith in the Words He has spoken, and to lay my life anew on the alter. There are few things like actually fearing pain and death to make you really understand the life/death commitment we have in Christ, no?

I hope these struggles bring you, too, to new places of worship. I know it's hard, and I have no magic pills. But, I will be praying for you, and me, as we face this journey together.

Hanging in there with you,
-J

Not much more to say. I am still,
Hanging in there,
-J

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. --2 Corinthians 12:9-10, NIV

(c) 2009

Quoteworthy, On Prayer

2009-08-29T12:00:00.001-04:00

"I strongly suspect that if we saw all the difference even the tiniest of our prayers make, and all the people these little prayers were destined to affect, and all the consequences of those prayers down through the centuries, we would be so paralyzed with awe at the power of prayer that we would be unable to get up off our knees for the rest of our lives."
--Peter Kreeft, Professor of Philosophy, Boston College

Wow. And probably true.

-J

"Which of you fathers, if your son asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead? Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him! --Luke 11:11-13

When God Speaks

2009-08-28T14:38:00.006-04:00

I'll explain my absence later, but for now, I thought I'd share today's Facebook status with you:

J is awed and humbled in His presence. Says to her God, "I love you, and I trust you." And He replies, "That's good. But better is that I love you, and I am Trustworthy."

I am awed and humbled...again.
-J

Then Job replied to the LORD :
"I know that you can do all things;
no plan of yours can be thwarted.
You asked, 'Who is this that obscures my counsel without knowledge?'
Surely I spoke of things I did not understand,
things too wonderful for me to know.
"You said, 'Listen now, and I will speak;
I will question you,
and you shall answer me.'
My ears had heard of you
but now my eyes have seen you.
Therefore I despise myself
and repent in dust and ashes."
--Job 42:1-6, NIV

(c) 2009

Ten Nice Things...

2009-07-07T12:35:00.003-04:00

I am hoping to share about my holiday (July 4) travels soon, but am waiting to gather pictures in order to make that discussion more enjoyable.

In the interim, I thought I would share with you...

Ten Nice Things That Have Happened Lately
1. I had the opportunity to meet my newest niece!! She's the subject of the forthcoming pictures...

2. I got to see my bro & sis-in-law! Funny how they tagged along with their two-and-a-half month-old...

3. My bro said that the look I've got going on reminded him of my mother when he was little. I happen to think my mother is a lovely woman, so I took that as a compliment!

4. Someone told me that they thought I had skinny arms. Unsolicited! I happen to think my arms show more than other public parts of my body the ravages of my journey into obesity, but hey, I'll take the compliment!

5. I received two invitations that I'm excited about. And no, not of that kind, wishful thinkers.

6. When asking to borrow an outfit from a friend, she asked my size. When I answered, she asked, "Are you sure? You're looking more like [a size smaller] to me." Nice lady. ;-)

7. I finally figured out how to Tweet. And how to post it to my blog. Hope you enjoy even MORE of my DRIVEL! :-)

8. It rained. We needed it.

9. The sun came out. I needed this. ;-)

10. Several of the students from my Sunday School class have accepted Christ this spring! AND, two of the girls I disciple are being baptized in two weeks. YAY GOD!!

Well...that's all I've got for now. I have more thoughts on The Journey, but I need a bit more time to formulate them, so I'll sign off for today.

May you have many Nice Things in your life today, too.

Very blessed,
-J

And just by way of reminder for us all...
For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men. It teaches us to say "No" to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age, while we wait for the blessed hope—the glorious appearing of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ, who gave himself for us to redeem us from all wickedness and to purify for himself a people that are his very own, eager to do what is good. --Titus 2:11-14, NIV

Ten Things I Did Today

2009-06-29T17:40:00.000-04:00

There's no good reason for this post, so I hope you enjoy random drivel, 'cause here it comes...

Ten Things I Did Today:

1. Awoke on time. (Yea! And rare!)

2. Found TWO.GRAY.HAIRS at the nape of my neck. {Ewww.} (They are no longer present, btw. I don't mind getting older, but I do mind looking older.)

3. Wore new-to-me-pants and -sweater. And took a picture of the sweater for you. :-) (You're welcome. {laughs at self})

4. Lay on the hot brick sidewalk try to warm up in the 95* heat.

5. Ran my heater in my office...in the 95* heat.

6. Ate ice cream bar anyway.

7. Drank an entire two-liter of Diet Cherry Dr. Pepper. {Uh, Oops!}

8. Visited the ladies room an inordinate number of times, for some reason...

9. Cooked up my lunch in the kitchen at my workplace: sauteed fresh zucchini with fire-roasted tomatoes, black beans, turkey sausage, garlic & herbs. {YUM!}

10. Oh, and worked.

Plenty to do, but slightly bored,

-J

P.S. Today's verse on BibleGateway.com was my life-anchor verse (meaning, God comforted me with it years ago, and continues to use it to reassure me), so I share it with you:

The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me;

your love, O LORD, endures forever—

do not abandon the works of your hands.

--Psalm 138:8, NIV

Vacating (Or, as the plebs say, 'Vacationing')

2009-06-27T14:04:00.000-04:00

Ahhhhh...

There's nothing like a vacation to soothe your weary soul...

I can recall only a few times in my life where I truly took a vacation. I have often been blessed with visiting family--which I adore, truly--but there is something different about just taking off for the express purpose of unwinding and enjoying yourself. I think I've done that about three times ever (even growing up, family 'vacations' were spent visiting family).

1.) A friend and I took off to visit Hong Kong when I was living in S. Korea. That was a FABULOUS trip, while we were there (the before and after we some of the WORST experiences of my life, but I'll save that for later).

2.) Two years ago, my much-loved brother came to visit, and we took in the sights all over the southern state in which I live. And it was GREAT. Here we are:

3.) A week ago, my best friend and I took two days off of work and headed to the beach to camp. Ahhhhh... I truly didn't think it would be as WONDERFUL as it was.

This most recent vacation provided much blog fodder (actually, they all did!). I will definitely have to tell you about the screaming banshees/Visigoths we encountered. And the 'castle' we toured. And about getting lost--twice--walking five minutes from the bathhouse to our campsite (really! I usually have a good sense of direction!). And the exotic insects. And the marsh. And the sea turtles. And the glorious water... Okay, it was a really great trip.

But today, I thought I would just whet your appetite with a few (rare-on-this-blog) photos. My dear friend loaned me a camera (I haven't owned one since mine died a decade ago in Central Asia :-( ) and shared some of her pics, too (those would be the good photos). So, here we go...

Pickin' up the ice (Can you see that the back AND the backseat of the truck are completely full?):

Setting up camp (Yes, that is SWEAT! It was mighty hot in that tent until we got the flaps down!):

But the reward for all that sweaty work was this:
And this:
And THIS! (See, I TOLD you I was pasty!):
Day Two: the marsh preserve, and a million crabs:

And 'castle' for touring (Do you love my backpack? KISS!):

A lovely, lonely, empty beach for hiking (1 mile each direction to the jetty):

And a hiking buddy:
The Jetty:
Day Three: We were finally able to catch on film one of the beautiful butterflies that called our campsite 'home':
And then, we got ourselves some sun!
All in all, it was a little gift of refreshment from our Father. And I am grateful.
Love,

-J

P.S. Just to keep it real:

Don't be deceived, my dear brothers. Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. He chose to give us birth through the word of truth, that we might be a kind of firstfruits of all he created. --James 1:16-18, NIV

Jesu, Joy of Man's Desiring

2009-06-25T13:31:00.004-04:00

This tune by J.S. Bach is quite common, especially in weddings. But have you ever heard the words? It was originally written in German, but the translation reads:

Jesu, joy of man's desiring,
Holy Wisdom, Love most bright;
Drawn by Thee, our souls, aspiring,
Soar to uncreated light.

Word of God, our flesh that fashion'd,
With the fire of life impassion'd,
Striving still to truth unknown,
Soaring, dying, round Thy throne.

Through the way where hope is guiding,
Hark, what peaceful music rings!
Where the flock, in Thee confiding,
Drink of joy from deathless springs.

Theirs is beauty's fairest pleasure;
Theirs is wisdom's holiest treasure.
Thou dost ever lead Thine own
In the love of joys unknown.

Isn't that beautiful? I love the imagery of Jesus as the fulfilling joy of our desires. And God as 'uncreated light.' And His breath infusing us with the fire of life. And Hope guiding us. And drinking from deathless springs of joy. It truly is lovely. I hope you enjoyed it too.

-J

Praise the LORD, O my soul.
O LORD my God, You are very great;
You are clothed with splendor and majesty.
He wraps Himself in light as with a garment;
He stretches out the heavens like a tent
And lays the beams of his upper chambers on their waters.
He makes the clouds his chariot
And rides on the wings of the wind.
He makes winds His messengers,
Flames of fire His servants.
He set the earth on its foundations;
it can never be moved...

May the glory of the LORD endure forever;
May the LORD rejoice in his works--
He who looks at the earth, and it trembles,
Who touches the mountains, and they smoke.
I will sing to the LORD all my life;
I will sing praise to my God as long as I live.
May my meditation be pleasing to Him,
as I rejoice in the LORD.
--Psalm 104:1-5, 31-34, NIV

Perspective

2009-06-23T12:10:00.012-04:00

The images and data alone are worth digesting; but more, they will leave you with a truer sense of the v..a..s..t..n..e..s..s of our Creator's love.
Enjoy.
-J

#1:

#2:

#3:

#4:

#5:

Who has measured the waters in the hollow of his hand,
or with the breadth of his hand marked off the heavens?
Who has held the dust of the earth in a basket,
or weighed the mountains on the scales and the hills in a balance?
Who has understood the mind of the LORD,
or instructed him as his counselor?
Whom did the LORD consult to enlighten him,
and who taught him the right way?
Who was it that taught him knowledge
or showed him the path of understanding?
Surely the nations are like a drop in a bucket;
they are regarded as dust on the scales;
He weighs the islands as though they were fine dust.
Lebanon is not sufficient for altar fires,
nor its animals enough for burnt offerings.
Before him all the nations are as nothing;
they are regarded by him as worthless and less than nothing.
To whom, then, will you compare God?
What image will you compare him to?
As for an idol, a craftsman casts it,
and a goldsmith overlays it with gold
and fashions silver chains for it.
A man too poor to present such an offering
selects wood that will not rot.
He looks for a skilled craftsman
to set up an idol that will not topple.
Do you not know? Have you not heard?
Has it not been told you from the beginning?
Have you not understood since the earth was founded?
He sits enthroned above the circle of the earth,
and its people are like grasshoppers.
He stretches out the heavens like a canopy,
and spreads them out like a tent to live in.
He brings princes to naught
and reduces the rulers of this world to nothing.
No sooner are they planted, no sooner are they sown,
no sooner do they take root in the ground,
than he blows on them and they wither,
and a whirlwind sweeps them away like chaff.
"To whom will you compare me?
Or who is my equal?" says the Holy One.
Lift your eyes and look to the heavens:
Who created all these?
He who brings out the starry host one by one,
and calls them each by name.
Because of his great power and mighty strength,
not one of them is missing.
Why do you say, O Jacob, and complain, O Israel,
"My way is hidden from the LORD;
my cause is disregarded by my God"?
Do you not know? Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
--Isaiah 40:13-28, NIV

Breathless...Wordless

2009-06-11T20:31:00.006-04:00

Sometimes, I get the tiniest glimpses of how very great our God is. And when I do, I simply can't breathe.

Try wrapping your mind around this: Consider an expert. Any field of study. Just for an example, let's go with science, specifically biology. How many experts--people who have committed their lives to the study of biology--would it take to form a team that knew all that is known about biology? Certainly not one man, not even one great man, would know all there is to know about just this one subject. Probably not even 10 men, or 100.

But God knows all that man has discovered about biology. And, he knows all that man has not yet discovered about biology.

And he also knows all that there is to know--both what man knows and has yet to know--about physics, and mathematics, and languages, and sociology...

There is not one subject on which God is not a complete expert. Not one.

If I dedicated my entire life to the pursuit of complete knowledge of just one language--say, my native tongue, English--I would still not learn all that there is to learn of this subject.

Can you feel the weight of the comparison? Not even one subject can be truly mastered by man, yet God holds mastery over them all. And not even because He learned it, but because He created it.

How infinite is that mind? How vast is that kind of creativity? Even considering this humbles me. And I'm pretty sure that's the right response. I'm pretty sure that is what God was going for when He began to speak to Job at the end of that book. Have you read those final chapters lately? Go, now, and do so. I'll print some at the end of this post to get you started. Read, and tell me if you don't end up humbled, just as the psalmist did:

When I consider your heavens,

the work of your fingers,

the moon and the stars,

which you have set in place,
what is man that you are mindful of him,

the son of man that you care for him? (Psalm 8:3-4, NIV)

Or David, in Psalm 139:

How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!

How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them,

they would outnumber the grains of sand. (NIV)

Consider how vast are the very thoughts of God. Consider just His knowledge (we'll save His attributes and kindnesses toward us for another day). Consider, and remember your true place in this universe.

Placing her hand over her mouth,
-J

Then the LORD answered Job out of the storm. He said:
…Where were you when I laid the earth's foundation?
Tell me, if you understand.
Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know!
Who stretched a measuring line across it?
On what were its footings set,
or who laid its cornerstone-
while the morning stars sang together
and all the angels shouted for joy?
Who shut up the sea behind doors
when it burst forth from the womb,
when I made the clouds its garment
and wrapped it in thick darkness,
when I fixed limits for it
and set its doors and bars in place,
when I said, 'This far you may come and no farther;
here is where your proud waves halt'?
Have you ever given orders to the morning,
or shown the dawn its place...?
…Have you journeyed to the springs of the sea
or walked in the recesses of the deep?
Have the gates of death been shown to you?
Have you seen the gates of the shadow of death?
Have you comprehended the vast expanses of the earth?
Tell me, if you know all this.
What is the way to the abode of light?
And where does darkness reside?
…What is the way to the place where the lightning is dispersed,
or the place where the east winds are scattered over the earth?
Who cuts a channel for the torrents of rain,
and a path for the thunderstorm,
to water a land where no man lives,
a desert with no one in it,
to satisfy a desolate wasteland
and make it sprout with grass?
Does the rain have a father?
Who fathers the drops of dew?
From whose womb comes the ice?
Who gives birth to the frost from the heavens
when the waters become hard as stone,
when the surface of the deep is frozen?
Can you bind the beautiful Pleiades?
Can you loose the cords of Orion?
Can you bring forth the constellations in their seasons
or lead out the Bear with its cubs?
Do you know the laws of the heavens?
Can you set up God's dominion over the earth?
Can you raise your voice to the clouds
and cover yourself with a flood of water?
Do you send the lightning bolts on their way?
Do they report to you, 'Here we are'?
Who endowed the heart with wisdom
or gave understanding to the mind?
Who has the wisdom to count the clouds?
Who can tip over the water jars of the heavens
when the dust becomes hard
and the clods of earth stick together?
Do you hunt the prey for the lioness
and satisfy the hunger of the lions
when they crouch in their dens
or lie in wait in a thicket?
Who provides food for the raven
when its young cry out to God
and wander about for lack of food?
...
Then Job answered the LORD:
"I am unworthy—how can I reply to you?
I put my hand over my mouth.
I spoke once, but I have no answer—
twice, but I will say no more."
--Job 38:1, 4-12, 16-19, 24-41; 40:3-5, NIV

(c) 2009

The [not-so-nice] Things I'm Thinking

2009-06-09T14:38:00.004-04:00

Wowser. Ever just feel like you're looking at yourself from the outside--very third-party-ish--and not like what you see? UGH. That's how it's been for me recently. And when I see me from the outside, I don't really like what I see. For example...

--When did I become such a complainer? I can't STAND complaining! Yet lately, I hear myself twisting even perfectly fine situations into something to complain about. Yuck.

--Why must I be so negative? Why must there be a down side to everything? A downside I feel the need to express audibly? I used to be a "here's the blessing in this" kinda gal.

--What's up with the irritated voice I now seem to possess very frequently? I hear myself speaking, and even to me, I sound irritated. Yet, I don't generally feel that level of irritation.

And all I can think is that I must be really hard to be around lately. And I don't know why I am being this way. It seems very distant, as if that's not even me speaking or my emotions flowing out. Yet your actions pretty much do reflect what's going on inside you.

And I don't like that one bit.

All I know is that this isn't Jesus. This is the ugly, old, full-of-sin-nature me. And I don't like that me. And since I know that that isn't who I now have to be, I'm going to seek out some answers in the only place I can get really good ones on topics of this sort:

His throne.

And I'm hoping to report to you an attitude adjustment to you really soon. 'Cause I don't think I can live with the me that is emanating from my lips for much longer. And I don't think you should have to, either.

Looking for loveliness,
-J

Surely you desire truth in the inner parts;
you teach me wisdom in the inmost place.
Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;
wash me, and I will be whiter than snow...
Hide your face from my sins
and blot out all my iniquity.
Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
--Psalm 51:6-7, 9-10, NIV

(c) 2009

Smells Like...

2009-06-03T09:37:00.005-04:00

They say that scent is our strongest sense, and from the way it can instantly transport me to places I once was and remind me of people I once knew, I believe it.

Yesterday, I took a trip down olfactory lane. As a gift to a friend of mine who just graduated from high school, we went to the mall to find her 'signature scent.' [The male readers just tuned out. Sorry, guys! :-)] We went from bottle to bottle and store to store sniffing and thinking and commenting on myriad perfumes. And after almost every inhale, you would have heard us say, "It smells like ________." We were always comparing the scents to something we had already experienced, something of which it reminded us [gardenia, oranges, coconuts, etc.].

And this morning, I found myself pondering how this is related to Paul's statement in 2 Corinthians 2:

But thanks be to God, who always leads us in triumphal procession in Christ and through us spreads everywhere the fragrance of the knowledge of him. For we are to God the aroma of Christ among those who are being saved and those who are perishing. To the one we are the smell of death; to the other, the fragrance of life. And who is equal to such a task?

I've always loved this illustration, for I can picture it so clearly. I have a very sensitive nose. [Beware smokers; I know.] And people DO have scents--some of them pleasant, many of them not (in my humble opinion). So when Paul says we (believers) are spreading the fragrance of Christ in our wake, I 'get' the illustration.

And you know what I love? It is GOD who is spreading this fragrance through us. It is HIS work. Which is a good thing, 'cause sometimes, if He weren't a-workin', I wouldn't smell so good, ya know? I truly wouldn't be equal to the task without Him doing it in me.

So, here's to the fragrance of Christ: to some it stinks of death, to others it is the perfume of life. But either way, I hope when I walk by, that each one says to themselves, "That smells like Jesus Christ." Kinda makes the journey more valuable, no?

Spreadin' The Scent, one day at a time,
-J

Six days before the Passover, Jesus arrived at Bethany, where Lazarus lived, whom Jesus had raised from the dead. Here a dinner was given in Jesus' honor. Martha served, while Lazarus was among those reclining at the table with him. Then Mary took about a pint of pure nard, an expensive perfume; she poured it on Jesus' feet and wiped his feet with her hair. And the house was filled with the fragrance of the perfume...Jesus replied... "It was intended that she should save this perfume for the day of my burial. --John 12:1-3, 7b NIV

(c) 2009

If I'm Not Retreating, Why Am I Moving Backwards?

2009-06-02T13:34:00.002-04:00

The illustration rolling around in my head is that of a soldier. Think WWI or WWII. It's probably from the Memorial Day documentaries I watched, but I just can't get this picture out of my mind.

I'm a soldier (a much-used spiritual illustration). Picture me in a trench. Picture me poking my head up above the trench. Picture a sudden onslaught of shots from the enemy, pinning me in place. Perhaps wounding me. Certainly disabling me from being effective in my mission.

Got the picture? Here's what I mean.

Ever since I wrote the One. One. Zero. entry, I have felt absolutely pummeled. I had about three glorious days to bask in what God had done for me, and then the temptations, setbacks, and discouragements began. And it's been bad. I have felt completely under attack, and have discovered how weak so many of my defenses are.

And though I haven't surrendered--though I still battle--I feel as if I'm fighting on a moving sidewalk. One that is moving backward.

And since the victory I declared was a spiritual one, I'm pretty sure that the battle I'm fighting is also a spiritual one. It's like the moment I realized and declared God's work, my head stood taller than the trench's edge, and I became the target.

And it's been hard.

Really hard.

I've failed a lot.

I am really struggling. But I have not surrendered. This is a journey I must complete, because that is what God declared I must do. Therefore, it is a journey I will complete, and I will do so in His strength alone...for I haven't any strength left of my own.

I am in the battle, and I will survive the fray. But I might very well leave with scars. But since Jesus Himself bears scars from the spiritual battle He fought on my behalf, I'm not too upset about that.

But I would like to take a breather from the front lines, if I could.

Under fire, but in His care,
-J

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. --Ephesians 6:10-13, NIV

Ten Things for Tuesday - A Un-Themed Event

2009-05-26T12:27:00.001-04:00

I haven't time to compose the real blog entries rattling around in my head, so I thought I would resurrect the "Ten Things for Tuesday" entry that I used to do weekly. I often did them on themes, but I don't think I have a theme for you right now, so here's a lot of nothin':

1. I'm not feeling great again. However, my roommate is much sicker than I am. I'm sure we make a pretty pair for our new roommate.

2. Did I tell you about our new roommate? The new youth intern from the church where I work (vs. the church where I attend; they are not the same) needed a place to live for the summer, so...pop! Open door! It's been a week and a few days, and so far she is incredibly...great! Talk about easy to get along with. I only hope we're not too weird for her. I mean, we do watch mostly educational television...

3. Random Thought: I prefer drinking water through a straw but milk & carbonated beverages directly from the cup/glass. I'm not firm on this, but this is my preference.

4. Work is really heating up now. And this makes the timing kinda bad for me to not be sleeping much/well. :-(

5. Random Thought: It matters to me where the seams on my socks land. There's a very narrow area of appropriate placement across the toes, and if the seam moves outside of that, it really irritates me.

6. I've missed my weights routine/class for almost two weeks now due to scheduling conflicts and not feeling well, and I'm kinda startin' to feel jiggly. Eww.

7. Random Thought: I almost always eat cereal for breakfast, and sometimes I eat it for dinner/snack too. It always settles well on my occasionally temperamental stomach.

8. I had a nice time cooking this weekend. Simple recipes, more on-the-fly formations than recipes, really. But I enjoyed just getting to create. I also made snickerdoodles, which are really yummy still hot--crispy on the outside, chewy on the inside. YUM! Therefore, I had to give them all away.

9. I made the cookies for my boss & his wife, and took them over and left them on their porch last night, along with a thank you note and instructions to put them in air-tight container with a piece of white bread to maintain their texture (otherwise, they get hard and crunch). Yeah. Fast-forward to this morning when I remember...My boss is at the beach until tonight. Do you think the [now very HARD] cookies are even still there, or do you think dogs got to them first? Bleh. I am such a numbskull sometimes!

10. Random Thought: Empty-ish rooms make feel uncomfortable. If there's too much 'white space' or not enough furniture, it feels very sterile and unwelcoming to me. Ergo, European designs tend to make me feel stressed.

Okay, there you go! Completely random and probably inane information, placed in a list to create a blog entry. Ah--the wonders of the numeral and a period. :-)

Hopin' your brain is less fried than mine,
-J

Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose. --Philippians 2:12-13, NIV (Sunday's sermon text. It was a great sermon! More on that in the future...)

Celebration Ideas - Your Assistance Needed

2009-05-21T23:59:00.002-04:00

Today, this Journey's end seems impossible to reach. I had the roughest week I've ever had at the scale, and for reasons I mostly cannot explain. The numbers were so aberrant that I actually weighed on two different WW scales and questioned them thoroughly about their calibration processes. I don't have any idea how I gained so much weight in a week. Actually, I'm not sure I did; my scale and my clothes don't tell the same story. I'll have to wait and see how next week's weigh-in goes.

However, even though I don't think I actually gained all that their scale said I did, I am still discouraged by the number...and by the distance it puts between me and my goal (It tripled my pounds-to-lose.). So, to combat the discouragement, I am focusing on a future celebration (kinda like thinking about heaven when life here gets really tough).

It is a common thing for WW members to plan rewards for reaching certain goals. And the reward should NOT be food related! :-) I've not really done that throughout this process, but always thought that I would do one big(-ish) thing at the end of the Journey. So many ideas have come and gone through my head--and frankly, I'm not sure how I will afford any of them. But, today is about dreams not reality (unlike heaven!), so let's dream a little.

I'd like your feedback...and suggestions! Here are some ideas I've had along the way:

** Viking Stand Mixer ($$$)

** iPod w/Nike+ Sport Kit (running system) ($$)

** Wax Job (sorry guys!) & spray tanning session ($)

** Dutch Oven (like this Le Creuset one) ($$)

** Professional Photo Shoot (I love what I see here) ($$$$)

** A New Wardrobe (though my new-found hobby of thrift shopping has pretty well fixed me up!) ($)

** New Running Shoes (but I had to go ahead and get these before I reached goal lest I hurt myself) ($)

** A Giant Party (so everyone can celebrate with me what Christ has done! Perhaps in conjunction with another reward.) ($$)

** A Trip to _______ ($$$)

** A Digital Camera ($$)

** Some Other Fabulous Reward You Are Going to Think Up for Me! ($$$$$$$$$$$--send cash!)

Of course, I've forgotten many of my ideas--because I wasn't bright enough to write them down when I thought of them--but this is a start. So what do you think? What kind of reward should I plan for reaching my weight-loss goal? Or should I plan one at all? After all, this was more about God's work in me than it was about the weight itself. Perhaps I should just let the marker roll, and continue walking in the truths He has carved into me in the process. Perhaps I should set up more of an Ebenezer*. Or, perhaps, I should go get a pedicure and a massage. So many options...

Anxious to hear your thoughts,

-J

But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ, who, by the power that enables him to bring everything under his control, will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like his glorious body. --Philippians 3:20-21, NIV

...what is due me is in the LORD's hand, and my reward is with my God. --Isaiah 49:4b, NIV

*Ebenezer: lit., stone of help. A physical reminder of God's intervention on your behalf.

Food, 'Drugs', & 'Rock-n-Roll'

2009-05-19T12:54:00.003-04:00

I'm not feeling my best. Mostly it's because I've got a muscle or a nerve in my shoulder that is being exceedingly temperamental...and painful. I've been living on Advil & Tylenol & the heating pad for the past several days. This morning, I felt slightly better, but seem to have lost some feeling in three of my fingers. My body is SO weird.

And then, I waited too long to eat my 'second breakfast' this morning, and my blood sugars dropped and I felt doubly yucky.

But...it's amazing what a little food, some 'drugs', and a touch of music can do to restore a soul. The Tylenol eased my pain, lunch made my sugars stabilize, and then Billy Joel came on my radio singing The Longest Time. I forgot that I used to like Billy Joel, and that tune is so positive and catchy; it made me smile.

And now, I am pain-reduced (not exactly pain-free, but better), full, and happy. That's nice.

But it is only temporary. I will again need to eat. And I know I'm gonna need more 'drugs.' And music, well music is eternal--though God may not choose Billy Joel for us in heaven--but until I reach eternity, I will always be looking for new music to listen to.

And you know, it just made me long even more for that eternal, glorified body we will receive and that most glorious home waiting for us.

I am so grateful God has provided for my temporary needs. But I am MORE grateful that my future holds permanent answers to my permanent needs. Our Hope is so much more than 'fire insurance.' What a generous God we serve!

Now, going back to work while the pain meds are still working,
-J

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade—kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God's power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. --I Peter 1:3-7, NIV

(c) 2009

A Good Reminder...

2009-05-18T12:01:00.000-04:00

Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.
~Attributed to both T.H. Thompson and John Watson

Found I needed this today. Pretty sure that says something not great about me, but at least God sent the reminder... ;-)

-J

Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. --Colossians 3:12-13, NIV

Faithfulness-ish

2009-05-13T13:05:00.003-04:00

Earlier this week, I dove into my blog archive trying to find a piece I had written some time back. And in the process, I learned that I am a s..l..o..w learner. Not the happiest of revelations, but perhaps--since the lesson in question is one of life-long value--it might be worth taking the time to really get this one down.

Over the years since God called me to stay in the South and not go cross-culturally to proclaim Him, God has spoken many truths into a heart now better prepared to hear them. I was reviewing some of that journey/those truths in the blog entry Great Things for God, and was hit again by this particular lesson:

"I don't need you to do great things for Me, J. I AM great, and I WILL show Myself mighty. I am calling YOU to be FAITHFUL."

And last year, this is what I said about that:

Oh, how I still wrestle with this last one, at least in part. I have found peace in the knowledge that God doesn't need great things from me. In fact, I have found relief, as I am pretty sure I can't do great things anyway.

But being faithful, day in and day out, in the little minutiae of life, in the mundane things in my world, this is where I am weak. If you ever need someone to tackle a project or to 'come to the rescue,' I am your woman. I am great in the exceptional moments of life. I am terrible at coming through day after day after day in the piddly details.

This, I might add, is the lesson I am learning in my weight-loss journey. I could easily fast for a day or two. But being consistent in reducing my caloric intake and adding exercise to my schedule regularly are much harder tasks. They require dying to self daily. They require faithfulness in everyday moments.

So here I sit, not going, but growing, learning how to be insignificant, a minutiae-managing pro. It is a lesson I must master, for though perhaps someday God will see fit to add something else to my plate, I will never need to stop being faithful. That is where my calling lies...in the daily. So today, I'm not attempting great things for God; I'm just trying to be faithful. If anything great happens, you can be sure it was all Him. *

And then today, I read Sarah's blog entry from yesterday. It was really wonderful...and convicting. And I found myself saying to her:

Sheesh. Do you live in my head too? Yep, I get this completely. I get overwhelmed quickly (that is my (old) nature) and want to quit immediately, especially if there is ANY sort of a snag or pain involved. But God is teaching me--through weight loss, through exercise (even running, though not as far--yet--as you), through the discipleship & teaching He has me doing--that I must learn to be FAITHFUL, not great. My old nature wants to be GREAT and doesn't want to be there if it's not. My new nature wants GOD to be GREAT, and seeks for me to simply do as required, day in and day out. There's not nearly as much glory for me in that, and I'm pretty sure that's His plan, no? ;-) *sigh* I am so grateful that He is a patient God. It is so very necessary to deal with this wandering child.

Now regular readers may have figured out by now that sometimes I have no idea where my thoughts are leading until I start typing, and that I am often more surprised than you are where I end up. This blog is my processing place, and place where I am forced to formulate into coherent sentences and paragraphs the truths and lies and Truth tumbling through my brain at any given moment. And my reply to Sarah was no exception. Suddenly, I saw this lesson/struggle for what it is:

My old nature vs. My new nature
Self vs. God
My plans vs. God's plans

When I seek greatness, I seek it for me. Others may be able to seek greatness for God, but my motive is--at some level--that I might receive a share of the glory (a particularly repugnant truth when written down and faced with it...). But this daily-grind business God has called me to is surprisingly non-glorious. And thus, if any good at all comes out of this 'Nazareth'**, it could ONLY be God. And that, I know, is how it should be.

So here I go...back to much mundane. My life is good, and I learned long ago how to thrill in the little things. But a blockbuster epic it is not. And I now suspect that God planned it that way. It seems, the glory lands where it should when I'm walking through life's daily muck in faithfulness. And that, I know is my heart's deepest desire. So, though I have yet to master this lesson, I press on and reaffirm again: whatever it takes to be...

To the praise of His glorious grace,
-J

* Now it is required that those who have been given a trust must prove faithful. --I Corinthians 4:2, NIV
* But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness... --Galatians 5:22, NIV

**Philip found Nathanael and told him, "We have found the one Moses wrote about in the Law, and about whom the prophets also wrote—Jesus of Nazareth, the son of Joseph." "Nazareth! Can anything good come from there?" Nathanael asked. "Come and see," said Philip. When Jesus saw Nathanael approaching, he said of him, "Here is a true Israelite, in whom there is nothing false." --John 1:45-47, NIV

(c) 2009

Who I Was vs. Who I Am

2009-05-11T12:50:00.002-04:00

In response to my Aftermath post from last Friday, one anonymous commenter noted:

"Not to nit-pick, but you might consider changing your captions to "What I looked like then" and "What I look like now", as neither of them truely [sic] indicate who you WERE ore ARE in Christ."

A great observation. Spot-on accurate. By grace through faith I was saved through the blood of Jesus Christ, and at that moment--unalterably and for all eternity--I was fully justified, standing in Christ's perfection before the throne of God. My photos in no way reflect who I was/am in Christ, as I was and am whole in Him.

And yet...

Weight gain/loss is one of the very few areas on life where your subjugation of your will to the balance Christ calls us to is evident to all. Liars don't wear their lies hanging off the tip of their noses as they walk around this world, nor do adulterers have an actual scarlet 'A' emblazoned on their chests. Yet for the one who has repeatedly and consistently--for whatever reason--not 'beaten their body into submission,*" his or her sin IS worn for all the world to see. And there is no person who carries significant extra weight that does not (whether they admit it or not) feel--to some degree and at some point--the shame of the public nature of their struggles.

And so, though my standing as righteous before God through the sacrificial blood of Jesus Christ is completely unaltered by my weight--whatever it may be--the evidence of Christ's work in me in IS truly evidenced by the photos I posted. Christ's authority over this area of my life is noticeably absent in the first photo. And while the establishment of His authority is not a prerequisite to the second photo (many have lost weight without victory in Christ), my declaration of His transforming work is confirmed and visible in the second. I was a different person in photo one, a woman whose sinful will was hopelessly triumphing over her. In photo two, I am a woman who has found victory in Christ, one tiny step at a time.

Even as I type this, I find myself trepidatious. There are many toes to be stepped on when you discuss this area of life, even if I only apply these truths to me. I have been on the receiving end of hurtful or convicting comments about my weight, and I didn't like it one bit. So please know that I indict no one. I offer only my story, my understandings, knowing that there are a million caveats, exceptions, unique stories. I make no claim on what other's lives should be (that is the Holy Spirit's job), and I find myself ever cognisant that I live in constant danger of falling back into my previous sins and falling under the judgment of the very words I am now typing. I am NOT saying I have arrived. I am NOT saying I am perfected. My testimony is simply the declaration of what I have seen God do in the past 19 months. But I understand that the truest test is found over time, much time.

I once suffered from really significant, whole-body joint pain. I have described it a couple of times in this blog. The doctors could find no cause nor could they find solutions. No changes I made in my life/lifestyle significantly changed the level of my pain. Even strong medications simply dulled it, and I lived in that pain for almost five years.

Then one Sunday evening, the elders of my church offered--as part of an evening prayer service--to offer to pray over anyone sick in accordance with James 5's admonition: "Is any one of you sick? He should call the elders of the church to pray over him and anoint him with oil in the name of the Lord." I went forward, and they did pray over me. The very next verse in James 5 says, "And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise him up. If he has sinned, he will be forgiven." And it turns out, God was pleased to heal me that day. But I didn't truly know if I was healed until I had gone off the medication and been off long enough to prove that it wasn't returning, a several month process.

It has now been five years since that day, and I am still pain free and medication-free. It has been time that has proved my healing. It was affected at once, but it was affirmed over time. And so it will be with this Journey.

A few years ago, our church had a guest preacher who said that while he read modern Bible commentators/authors, the ones he liked best were the dead ones, the ones whose lives proved all the way through that they were Christ's man/woman. And so, perhaps, should we view this Journey. It is a journey until this wretched body is glorified. And then...O then...the truest victory. Life over death. Glorification over debasement. No more struggles, no more 'beating our bodies into submission.*' Only perfect rest. And, hopefully, a trail of smaller victories which will echo His greatness throughout all eternity.

So thank you, Anonymous Commenter, for highlighting truth, and for giving me opportunity to consider it. May the rest of my days declare both His saving grace and His transforming grace, so that I may always be...

To the praise of His glorious grace,
-J

Eternally, in Christ, I am:
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ. For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will—to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves. In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace that he lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding. And he made known to us the mystery of his will according to his good pleasure, which he purposed in Christ, to be put into effect when the times will have reached their fulfillment—to bring all things in heaven and on earth together under one head, even Christ.

In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will, in order that we, who were the first to hope in Christ, might be for the praise of his glory. And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God's possession—to the praise of his glory. --Ephesians 1:3-14, NIV

*1 Corinthians 9:26-27 (NIV): Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize.

(c) 2009

Aftermath

2009-05-08T12:37:00.003-04:00

I am still reeling from Wednesday's emotion/post. You should just know that I had a complete breakdown after posting that. (And I'm not really prone to breakdowns.) Suddenly, it all became real. The weight and gravity of God's work in my life completely overwhelmed me, and I just started sobbing. First at my desk, then in the restroom, then at my desk again while on the phone with my best friend. Then again when my boss came into my office. And later when I shared a bit with my other boss and his wife. (Well, for that one I just teared up a bit.)

Then yesterday, I found myself discussing the goodness of our God with a member of the church here...and the tears (not sobbing at least) started again. Then someone came in who had read my post, and the saltwater started to flow again. My daddy always said that God gave us tear ducts for a reason. And apparently, there aren't daily limits set on usage. :-)

A friend suggested that I must have really increased my prayer life with conversations starting, "God, please help me not to think about [food item]..." Totally appropriate in many areas of life, and I have absolutely prayed those prayers over many things. But in this area, things were different. Here was my response:

You know, I actually didn't have many conversations with God about "Help me to not think about..." When I say He set me free, I really mean it. Through His providential grace, one day food simply stopped holding sway over me. I had a few moments were I decided to visit the place of my imprisonment, but it became a (sinful) choice at that point, not a mandate. In so many ways, this journey has paralleled and illustrated what Paul is trying to describe to us in Romans 6 - We are DEAD to sin; therefore, it no longer holds sway over us. (Ergo, quit living like it still has power over you! my paraphrase) Max Lucado wrote a wonderful children's book about this that keeps coming to mind. Of course its name does not... :-( (Anybody know that book?)

Yesterday, I found myself sharing this with a friend, and I feel it really sums up well:

Just to be absolutely clear: This was in no way 'me.' It was in EVERY way Christ. Even my obedience was fueled by His strength. There has been nothing in my life that I've known to be so fully & completely His work as this journey.

I don't know *exactly* how we get from point A to point B, but point A is our struggle, and point B is our victory, and the path there is Christ. Somehow, freedom is found in Him. In my life, the tools He used were Weight Watchers & a gym membership. But they were tools only; the transformation was His.

I have so many thoughts and emotions rolling through me on this subject that I can't even sort them out well here, the place where I sort. I'll work on it, though, 'cause I'm pretty sure this Journey is a story worth telling well. But this one thing I do know, I AM FREE and JESUS WAS THE ONE WHO SET ME FREE! And yep, I'm yelling it. It is that important. :-)

Who I was:

Who I am:

Outta here for now,

-J

P.S. Oh yeah. I'm crying again.

Then I looked and heard the voice of many angels, numbering thousands upon thousands, and ten thousand times ten thousand. They encircled the throne and the living creatures and the elders. In a loud voice they sang:

"Worthy is the Lamb, who was slain,

to receive power and wealth and wisdom and strength

and honor and glory and praise!"

Then I heard every creature in heaven and on earth and under the earth and on the sea, and all that is in them, singing:

"To him who sits on the throne and to the Lamb

be praise and honor and glory and power,

for ever and ever!"

The four living creatures said, "Amen," and the elders fell down and worshiped.

--Revelation 5:11-14, NIV

One.One.Zero

2009-05-06T13:32:00.006-04:00

One. One. Zero.

One hundred ten.

Contemplate that number for a moment. It's the percent of effort we give (110%!). It's the speed we'd like to drive in our parents' mustang when we're 18. It's two large and one small bags of dog food. Twenty-two bags of sugar. Four-hundred-forty sticks of butter.

Now, picture that amount, gone. Can you imagine the size of the hole if you were to dig out 110 pounds of dirt from your garden?

Now, picture me. Only, picture me one-hundred-ten pounds lighter.

That's the second time I've ever written that number about myself, and it is just as surreal the second time around as it was the first. I'm actually a little light-headed right now, not in a celebratory way, just in a "whooooa" kinda way.

And I'm almost home. Less than five pounds, actually. And oh the things the Lord has taught me and is teaching me through this journey! And the most magnificent lesson is this:

Jesus has set me FREE!

I cannot explain (yet) all that this means. I will keep trying, maybe all my life. This journey wasn't ultimately about weight-loss; it was about the changes God wanted to create in me. How good and gracious is our God? There are no lengths to which He will not go to show Himself mighty! And how mighty He is! I. AM. FREE!

This is all the more poignant when you know this truth: Several years before I began this journey, I had a dreadful realization one day. If your TRUE theology (what you believe about God) is demonstrated in how you live (and it IS), then I did not believe that God could set me free from my addiction to food. I would have said I believed that God could free anyone from anything. ("Of course He can! He's God!") But my life made it very clear that at the most basic levels, I did not believe this to be true. Otherwise, why was I living life hand-to-mouth, literally?

So today, when I say I am free, know that part of what God has done is change my theology. He has played His hand...and as it turns out, He CAN set ANYONE FREE!!

Celebrating HIS GREATNESS,
-J

...Count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus. Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its evil desires. Do not offer the parts of your body to sin, as instruments of wickedness, but rather offer yourselves to God, as those who have been brought from death to life; and offer the parts of your body to him as instruments of righteousness. For sin shall not be your master, because you are not under law, but under grace... But thanks be to God that, though you used to be slaves to sin, you wholeheartedly obeyed the form of teaching to which you were entrusted. You have been set free from sin and have become slaves to righteousness. --Romans 6:11-14, 17-18, NIV

Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death. For what the law was powerless to do in that it was weakened by the sinful nature, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful man to be a sin offering. --Romans 8:1-3, NIV

To him who loves us and has freed us from our sins by his blood, and has made us to be a kingdom and priests to serve his God and Father—to him be glory and power for ever and ever! Amen. --Revelation 1:6, NIV

(c) 2009

The Rumors of My Death are Greatly Exaggerated...

2009-05-01T14:16:00.004-04:00

Okay, so it's been 31 days since I've posted, but that doesn't mean I'm actually dead. I just thought I'd clarify that right off the bat, since some of you have been kind enough to inquire. I also didn't fall off the face of the earth, another common misconception, apparently.

I have, however, not been great--though death was never a consideration. I've really had some crazy health struggles over the past month. Of a digestive nature. And no, you don't want to know more. Which is good, 'cause I'm not planning on posting my medical history online for all the world to see.

However, these medical issues have left me drained and seriously unmotivated to do much more than was minimally required. (They have also left me with about $800 more in medical debt with very little to show for it, but who's worrying? *wink*) And thus, my absence here.

However, I do believe I'm on the upswing now (probiotics--yea!!!), and decided to just drop a little Mark Twain (see title) on ya to let you know I was all right. And since even a month's absence hasn't stopped me from composing blog entries in my mind daily, I'm guessing you'll be seeing a lot more of me here. Assuming anyone is still out there after my untimely abandonment...

So just to bring you a bit up to speed on things around here, here are some highlights of the past month:
* X-rays :-(
* A new niece :-)
* An MRI :-( (with barium - double frown face)
* Learning that I could run 2.5+ miles :-)
* Learning that I actually LIKE running 2.5+ miles :-)
* Taking oodles and oodles of meds for my digestive tract...and getting almost no benefit :-(
* Talking with my far-out sister and kin--twice! :-)
* Two doctors visits :-(
* Hearing the joy and exhaustion in my brother's voice as he told of my preemie niece's birth and growth :-)
* Getting conjunctivitis (aka, pink-eye) :-(
* Hearing that one of the girls in my Sunday School class accepted Christ!!!!!! :-D
* Helping the youth with an ultimate scavenger hunt 8-P
* Getting within 5 pounds of my weight-loss goal!!!! :-D
* Being able to reduce the prescriptions I'm on to ONE! (maintenance meds for my very well-controlled asthma) :-)
* Getting the best blood work of my life back from my physical :-)
* Many sweet, corrective & instructive words spoken to my heart my Lord (I'm guessing you'll be hearing more about that...)

So as you can see, things are mostly good around here. I hope you can say the same.

Until we meet again (which will be soon, I promise),
-J

Dear friend, I pray that you may enjoy good health and that all may go well with you, even as your soul is getting along well. -3 John 1:2, NIV

(c) 2009

The Difference Between Winter and Spring

2009-03-30T13:06:00.002-04:00

Living in the deep South, winter tends to be milder than in the Midwest where I grew up, and spring arrives gloriously earlier. And so it has happened this past week. A few days of rain, and--poof!--spring arrived. Trees are in full flower, lawns need immediate attention from myriad green sprouts, and there is a dense, yellow-green coating over everything (pine pollen...welcome to the south).

One of the beautiful things about spring occurred to me last week as I passed a window: Spring is warmer than winter.

Some of you got there ahead of me, but hear me out. As I approached a window last week, I noticed the sun shining invitingly through. However, in the South, it does that pretty much all year long. What I noticed as I reached the window was that there was now more than light coming through the window; there was also heat.

Now, the sun's rays bring a true promise, not a false one, of warmth. Though it is not yet warm enough for my badly-thinned blood, it is certainly warmer than it has been, and I am grateful.

And it occurred to me that this comparison is the perfect metaphor for depression. Some of you know that I experienced a clinical depression many years ago (I described it here), and that memory still shapes me in so many ways. I remember distinctly that I could not sense the good and reasonable things in my life during that time. It was as if I could see the light, but I couldn't' feel it. True, good things just couldn't reach my soul, and so I lived on in a hopeless, cold place, so very alone.

If you haven't experienced a depression like this--and may you never!--please allow me to say that that cold hole is not one you can just crawl out of. If you know me, you know I'm not really given to negativism or pessimism. But when I found myself in that place, I.could.not.get.out. I sensed that the world around me wasn't as cold and lifeless as I felt it was, but no amount of trying could make me feel that blessed heat.

Only God could pull me out of that pit and shine His warm and glorious face on mine once again. And He did. May my lips never cease to praise Him and remember how the truth of the Son warmed my soul!

I'm so glad it's spring again in my heart. In fact, it might just be summer now.

Warm from His light,
-J

I love the LORD, for He heard my voice; He heard my cry for mercy. Because He turned his ear to me, I will call on Him as long as I live. The cords of death entangled me, the anguish of the grave came upon me; I was overcome by trouble and sorrow. Then I called on the name of the LORD: "O LORD, save me!" The LORD is gracious and righteous; our God is full of compassion. The LORD protects the simplehearted; when I was in great need, He saved me. -Psalm 116:1-6, NIV

A man can do nothing better than to eat and drink and find satisfaction in his work. This too, I see, is from the hand of God, for without Him, who can eat or find enjoyment? -Ecclesiastes 2:24-25, NIV

(c) 2009

Thought for the Day: Be Still

2009-03-25T13:10:00.000-04:00

I didn't intend to linger in the story of the Exodus, but the truths just keep tumbling out on me, and I can't tear myself away. In so many ways, this story is one of the lynch-pins of all history. God continually refers back to this story when addressing Israel: "I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of Egypt. Based on the Lord's own words, we know that this story is critical to understanding Him and His relationship to Israel.

And it turns out, He's stuck a few humdingers in there for us, too.

Exodus 14:10-14:
As Pharaoh approached, the Israelites looked up, and there were the Egyptians, marching after them. They were terrified and cried out to the LORD. They said to Moses, "Was it because there were no graves in Egypt that you brought us to the desert to die? What have you done to us by bringing us out of Egypt? Didn't we say to you in Egypt, 'Leave us alone; let us serve the Egyptians'? It would have been better for us to serve the Egyptians than to die in the desert!"

Moses answered the people, "Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the LORD will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still."

1. Do not be afraid...
..."Do not be afraid, O Daughter of Zion; see, your king is coming, seated on a donkey's colt." -John 12:15
...Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. -John 14:27

2. Stand firm...
...Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the LORD our God. They are brought to their knees and fall, but we rise up and stand firm. -Psalm 20:7-8
...Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. -1 Corinthians 15:58

3. Be still...
...Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth." -Psalm 46:10

Honestly, it's that last command--the final instruction in the trilogy--that struck me:

...you need only to be still...

I am such a striver. I wrestle and work and maneuver. But when God's on the move, I need only to be still.

Trying to settle in,
-J

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." -Matthew 11:28-30

(c) 2009
All quotations taken from the NIV.

Thought for the Day: Are You Really Ready?

2009-03-23T13:27:00.002-04:00

Exodus 13:17-18
When Pharaoh let the people go, God did not lead them on the road through the Philistine country, though that was shorter. For God said, "If they face war, they might change their minds and return to Egypt." So God led the people around by the desert road toward the Red Sea. The Israelites went up out of Egypt armed for battle.

Note: "The Israelites went up out of Egypt armed for battle," BUT, "God said, 'If they face war, they might change their minds...'" (So the Israelites did not fight a battle--God did.)

Just because you look ready doesn't mean you are ready. Only God knows when you really are ready--and then, you must believe Him and GO, or you might find yourself wandering in a wilderness for, oh say, 40 years.

Just my lesson from last night,
-J

(P.S. I think this passage is amazing for another reason: How often do the Scriptures just tell us what God was thinking/saying to Himself about a particular scenario? I love that He tells us His motivation for this move.)

(c) 2009
Quotations taken from the NIV.

A Rare Moment of Political Commentary

2009-03-19T10:28:00.004-04:00

I don't often post my political views here. In fact, I think I've only done so once. However, I'm pretty sure this political cartoon isn't really a partisan perspective...more like a world-consensus.

Ariail is one of my favorite political satirist. I hope you enjoy this brief reality check:
http://ariail.thestateonline.com/?p=517

All idiom-ed up,
-J

P.S. Please don't mistake the general absence of political statements for a lack of political opinions. I have many and strong ones. But the heartbeat of my life is Jesus, so that's mostly what come out here. As ShalomSeeker (Shalom being the Hebrew word for peace), I try to keep peace around here, and politics can get mighty fractious. But if Jesus gets divisive...well, that just can't be helped, now can it? :-)

A TRUE Reality Check:
What I mean, brothers, is that the time is short. From now on those who have wives should live as if they had none; those who mourn, as if they did not; those who are happy, as if they were not; those who buy something, as if it were not theirs to keep; those who use the things of the world, as if not engrossed in them. For this world in its present form is passing away. --I Corinthians 7:29-31, NIV

Driving Epiphanies..

2009-03-17T17:25:00.000-04:00

Oh dear. Someone captured a series of drivers from the state** where I live and compiled them into one very instructive video. You should check this out:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ygtBxhFc24A

All smiles,
-J

**Okay, I can't prove they were all from the deep south, but some of them look pretty darn familiar... {*wink*}

Notations on Scripture Reading, Session 2

2009-03-14T16:33:00.005-04:00

Okay, remember this? My 'Notations on Scripture Reading'? (If not, here's a hint: This is when you click on the link I provided and read it! :-D) Well, it's time for session #2.

Please remember that this is just a bullet list (thinking of you, Sarah) of the ideas and observations floating around in my head as I've been reading through the Scriptures chronologically. (And for those of you who note such things, yes, I haven't read bunches in this particular pattern since a month ago when I first did this...but I have been reading other parts for other purposes, just in case you were worried. ;-)

Okay...here we go:

Abraham's loyalty to and love for Sarah was really remarkable, especially in light of the ancient cultural pressures to bear children. Sarah's barrenness seems to have made her a bit crazy, but Abraham loved her to the end. I'm waiting for a man like that (hopefully minus the crazy part...)!
I've heard many people disparage asking God for signs or details, but the story of how Abraham's servant found Rebekah seems to indicate that God is willing to move in this way (do I need to list all the caveats here, or will you just assume I'm not a nut case?). Prayer: "God, let the one you've chosen be the one who waters my camels when I ask her for water." I just think that's cool. He's moved in faith, prayed in faith, and waited in faith, and God meets him there. That's the kind of woman I want to be. I'm not, but I want to be...
It doesn't matter that I know that the genealogies are crucial to tracking this story, I still find them a tad boring. They're like cleaning the bathroom: necessary, but icky and uninteresting.
God uses hard circumstances to put us in place to be blessed by Him. Genesis 12: Famine in land; Abraham goes to Egypt and leaves wealthy. Genesis 26: Famine in the land, but God tells Isaac to stay put; Isaac plants crops, and reaps 100-fold because of God's blessing, and when Isaac moves south (Beersheba), he leaves as a wealthy man. Genesis 41ff: Famine in the whole world, but God has strategically placed Joseph so that his family (Israel and descendants) will be saved. And when they move to Egypt, they are given much wealth because of God's favor on Joseph; and when they finally leave 400 years later, they plunder the land just by asking for it. Maybe I should be more willing to go hungry... ;-)
Joseph was a truly remarkable man: filial, pure, honest, business/world savvy yet fully committed to Yahweh, patient, forgiving, and deeply blessed. Hard lessons learned from a pit/slavery/prison, I'm guessing. Oh God, whatever it takes to be a person who brings you glory...
Watch this: Exodus 3:7-8: God--"I have seen my people's misery and have come down to rescue them." Exodus 5:22-23: Moses--"God, the situation has gotten worse and You have not rescued your people at all!" Exodus 6:1: God--"Moses, it's not what it seems. Watch me! I am going to make Pharaoh drive them out!" It often gets worse before God gets to put His glory on grand display. Little problems are no problem for God, but great problems bring Him great glory.
God's purpose for "His people" was for it to be hard, so that when He rescued them, they would recognize Him as their God and deliverer. Exodus 6:6-8: "Therefore, say to the Israelites: 'I am the LORD, and I will bring you out from under the yoke of the Egyptians. I will free you from being slaves to them, and I will redeem you with an outstretched arm and with mighty acts of judgment. I will take you as my own people, and I will be your God. Then you will know that I am the LORD your God, who brought you out from under the yoke of the Egyptians. And I will bring you to the land I swore with uplifted hand to give to Abraham, to Isaac and to Jacob. I will give it to you as a possession. I am the LORD.' " How often is God working the same pattern in my life (letting things get hard so I'll recognize Him as deliverer)...and I'm just crying, asking Him to 'fix it now!'?
Last one: Pharaoh's magicians/'wise men'/sorcerers--what was wrong with them?!! Quit trying to COPY the plagues and start trying to FIX them! Crazy people! Whatev.

Okay, my verbosity knows no END! I'm forcing myself to shut up now, as I've probably just lost all my readers by just blabbering on and on like I am still doing! Ahhhhhh! Shutting up now.

How about you tell me what you're reading and thinking? That'll fill the silence I'm going to leave for the next 15 seconds before I start blabbering again... Which means, you'd better HURRY! :-)

Joyful in this journey,
-J

From Moses' & Miriam's Song, after passing through the Red Sea:
The LORD is my strength and my song;
He has become my salvation.
He is my God, and I will praise Him,
my father's God, and I will exalt Him.
The LORD is a warrior;
the LORD is His name…
Who among the gods is like You, O LORD ?
Who is like You—
majestic in holiness,
awesome in glory,
working wonders?...
In Your unfailing love You will lead
the people you have redeemed.
In your strength you will guide them
to your holy dwelling...
The LORD will reign
for ever and ever.
--Exodus 15:2-3, 11,13, 18, NIV

Word(s)

2009-03-13T12:19:00.001-04:00

I love words. I love roots of words (Hello Greek! French! Latin!) I love dictionaries (our friends!). I am a word geek.

[It is important that I pause to offer you this reminder: Do not confuse 'word geek' with 'someone who knows how to spell' or 'someone who can play Scrabble well (Sorry Uncle B/Aunt J, Dad, My ESL students in S. Korea who whupped up on me..., etc.)' For reasons that don't make a lick of sense to me, these things are simply not synonymous. Moving on...]

So when I discovered that I could have Dictionary.com deliver a new word to my inbox each day...well, I didn't pause to get myself there!

Sometimes the words are ones I already know. Often I discover that I have misconstrued a term, or forgotten some of its definitions. Good reminders!

Sometimes the words are ones I've heard used, but not been 100% sure of the definition and never got around to looking up. Good clarifications!

Sometimes they are already favorites. Like Wednesday's word:
ululate \UL-yuh-layt; YOOL-\, intransitive verb: To howl, as a dog or a wolf; to wail; as, ululating jackals.

Oooooo, I love this word. And I can do it really well, too. This is also the term used to describe the sound middle eastern (among other) women make when mourning or celebrating. It's that undulating, high-pitched wailing sound you'll sometimes hear on news reports, etc. That's the part I can do really well. I can't scream, but I can ululate! (Hidden talents, all around us...)

Today's word was an entirely new word to me, but I think I'll be slipping this one in from time to time:
inanition \in-uh-NISH-uhn\, noun: 1. The condition or quality of being empty.2. Exhaustion, as from lack of nourishment.3. Lack of vitality or spirit.

And being the kind of gal you've come to know me as, you know what my first thought was? That INANITION is exactly what we are spiritually before we know Jesus. My life before Jesus was full of inanition. (Notice the pun? Full of emptiness? See, words ARE fun!)

You know, I've been a believer for so long and from so young, that sometimes I do wonder what I have to offer the world around me. I mean, how do I explain to you all that Jesus is? To me, He IS everything. I've basically known nothing else. How do I distill His truths to make them articulable to someone who doesn't know Him? This might sound silly to some of you--those saved later in life who remember life before Jesus, or those of you gifted in evangelism who can naturally speak clearly of Him--but it has been and is a real dilemma for me.

So today, as I contemplated this problem, I found myself thinking that these are the kinds of things that I should share:
--What if the greatest problem in your life wasn't what you thought it was? What if it wasn't relationships or money or happiness or a good, stable job?
--What if the greatest need in your life, if filled, would answer all the other questions? It won't make your problems go away, but suddenly, things make sense and have purpose.
--What if the greatest need in your life was to replace the (and here's when the word arrived in my inbox) inanition that is so overwhelmingly present in your life?
--And what if all you had to do to remove the inanition was to accept the fullness provided by another?

Isn't this the gospel? We: empty, dead, lifeless. He: seeking, paying, saving. We: receiving. He: filling (literally filling with His Spirit!). God--now, also man--dying, substituting, rising. Isn't that the truth that makes all the difference? Isn't that the truth that fills our inanition with la vie? With life?

Jesus--the author, initiator, pursuer, finisher of our faith. It's all about Him. May I never cease to find ways to articulate this truth.

For this truth is everything.

Inanition-less,
-J

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was with God in the beginning. Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. In him was life, and that life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood it...

He was in the world, and though the world was made through him, the world did not recognize him. He came to that which was his own, but his own did not receive him. Yet to all who received him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God—children born not of natural descent, nor of human decision or a husband's will, but born of God.

The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the One and Only, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.
--John 1:1-5, 10-14, NIV

(c) 2009

Around the World...

2009-03-10T12:52:00.007-04:00

Though I was given a rich background in reading at home, my school education in the classics was hit and miss...mostly 'cause I moved and the districts had different timetables for when you read what. By the time I graduated from college, I knew that I had some holes in my knowledge. So when I found myself with an inordinate amount of reading time while living in S. Korea, I decided it was time to get to work.

I picked up a bazillion Penguin Classics books, and started digging in. One of my very favorites turned out to be Around the World in 80 days, by Jules Verne. I loved it for its surprise ending...which I will not spoil for you if you haven't read it (Go! Now! Get it!). Few books/movies surprise me, and I adore the ones that do.

Anyway, when the phrase "Around the World" started popping up in my Weight Watchers meetings, I perked up. Jules Vernes has not failed to engage me yet. But my WW buddies had a slightly different meaning in mind. Here is what you hear in my meeting:
"If you are craving something, eat a little bit of it and move on. If you don't, you'll eat 'around the world' to try to satisfy your craving, and then still end up eating what you were craving in the first place (significantly increasing your caloric intake in the process!)."

I have found this to be a good process for me, as I do tend to 'eat around the world' if I don't just 'answer the call' in the first place! :-) However, I have realized recently, that I tend to do the same thing with God.

The one thing you can be sure that a regenerated heart will crave--to some degree--is fellowship with its Regenerator. And though my heart--at its deepest part--longs for my God, sometimes I find that I will try to fill that longing with everything else on the planet before I just get down to business with Him. And when I do finally get back to His presence...we'll, it's definitely sweeter than the chocolate my tongue tends to crave.

But boy-howdy, can it ever take me a long time to get there sometimes.

It is for this reason that I am really grateful that Jesus instituted communion/the Lord's supper. That pause, in the environment of worship, in the fellowship of other believers, is a moment to pause and ponder what my heart is really savoring.

And you might have already guessed that this past Sunday, I found that I had been 'around the world' and was still unsatisfied.

But oh, the goodness and graciousness of our God. Always there with forgiveness (I John 1:9--faithful (ALWAYS) and just (RIGHT because the debt has already been paid) to forgive us!), always open armed to the repentant heart. And ever bestowing His kindnesses on us, which lead us to repentance (Romans 2:4)!

Sometimes, I think being a child of God is like getting a product on sale AND having a coupon for it...which is doubled! It really is the best of everything. :-)

'Round the world and home again,
-J

The law of the LORD is perfect, reviving the soul.
The statutes of the LORD are trustworthy, making wise the simple.
The precepts of the LORD are right, giving joy to the heart.
The commands of the LORD are radiant, giving light to the eyes.
The fear of the LORD is pure, enduring forever.
The ordinances of the LORD are sure and altogether righteous.
They are more precious than gold, than much pure gold;
they are sweeter than honey, than honey from the comb.
By them is your servant warned; in keeping them there is great reward.

Who can discern his errors? Forgive my hidden faults.
Keep your servant also from willful sins; may they not rule over me.
Then will I be blameless, innocent of great transgression.
May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart
be pleasing in your sight, O LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer.
--Psalm 19:7-14, NIV

(c) 2009

Quoteworthy - The Fool vs. The Wise

2009-02-27T10:33:00.002-05:00

The Scriptures spend much time--and an entire group of books [i.e., the Wisdom Literature]--discussing the topic of wisdom. The contrast is constantly drawn, especially in Proverbs, of the wise vs. the fool. It seems this idea crept into Persia at some point, and came back out in the form of this Persian proverb:

He who knows not, and knows not that he knows not, is a fool; shun him.
He who knows not, and knows that he knows not, is a child; teach him.
He who knows, and knows not that he knows, is asleep; wake him.
He who knows, and knows that he knows, is wise; follow him.

God's truth. Man's words. Good stuff.

-J

Stay away from a foolish man, for you will not find knowledge on his lips.
The wisdom of the prudent is to give thought to their ways, but the folly of fools is deception.
--Proverbs 14:7-8, NIV

(c) 2009

The Bug in my Head Right Now

2009-02-26T15:12:00.009-05:00

I am not okay.

If you haven't figured it out by now, much of what I write here is just me processing, often real-time. I'm sorting my thoughts and--frightening though this may be--letting you 'listen' in. Today will be one of those days.

First, let me start by telling you that I had a doctor's appointment this morning, one that I found I was a tiny bit anxious about. Anxious isn't the exact right word, but I can't find the right word now. I was something. Much as it was last year at this time. And it was for the same reason. This appointment was a follow-up to last year's.

So, prayerful--and something--I went. And I was fine, emotionally. I even got some good news! Something I have been concerned about for more than three years was finally clarified and shown to be normal! (Ironically, this thing is the reason I went in in the first place last year, but when other issues surfaced, this took a back burner.)

I'm not sure what I was expecting from this appointment, but I can tell you it wasn't this: "I am concerned about what they found last year. You must continue to come in for this test every year to follow up on it."

Uh...okay.

The follow-up is because what they saw can sometimes be or become cancer. The big C. A life-long fear for me, as it took my grandmother before I had the chance to know her.

Now, to be fair, what I have wouldn't become that kind of cancer. "Not the kind that kills people," he said. But still...

So now, my brain is fuzzy, my mood subdued. I can tell that my mind is trying to suss it all out [suss: Southernese for to sort, to dig out, to discover]. But it's like I can't even access the process in my mind. It's just going on, without meta cognition.

I'm not unaware of God's sovereignty or His sustaining grace. In fact, I'm very aware of it right now. But my head is just running, sorting, thinking, and occasionally breaking into spontaneous prayer. And I feel like an observer to my own mind's processes.

And I'm ready for it to settle, to come to peace. I'm ready to let all this emotion out, and be done, and rest in the knowledge that between yesterday and today, between last year and this, nothing has changed. My God hasn't erased and revised the number of my days written in His book. His plan hasn't been thwarted. His throne hasn't been overthrown. I know that...I'm just waiting for it to resettle into my heart.

Wrestling toward rest,
-J

My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. When I awake, I am still with you. --Psalm 139:15-18, NIV

(c) 2009

Empty, Darkness...Then God Spoke...

2009-02-19T22:36:00.006-05:00

"In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.

"Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters."

"And God said..."

So I've been miserable for a while now...running. I knew I was running. I knew I was running from God.

But I didn't know why.

I knew my heart didn't want to hear His voice or seek His face. But for the life of me, I couldn't discern what the problem was.

It was starting to show in my life, to spill over into other areas. And I couldn't seem to solve it.

So last night, I finally just said to the Lord, "Examine me, Lord. Show me what wickedness my heart is embracing."

I was afraid.

But I was also tired of living with a broken fellowship. Especially when I couldn't figure out why I was behaving this way.

A few minutes later, the quiet answer came--Forgiveness.

And I knew immediately who, and for what. And that the debt I felt that person owed me was owed only to God Himself. I had put myself in His place.

And I was ashamed.

If God could forgive this person for violating His nature, who was I to carry on this grudge? Am I more righteous than God?

And then, this verse tumbled back into my mind, one of the very first ones I ever understood on my own: For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. (Matthew 6:14-15)

I sin too much to remove myself from God's forgiving grace. I had to forgive this person.

But by then, I wanted to. I know that I am not more righteous than God; who was I to exact such punishment?

And finally, there was rest. The wickedness my heart had been embracing had been revealed by the searching eye of His Spirit, and I was given the freedom to do what was right.

And so, finally, I slept. I am at peace. And my Lord is no longer the wrong pole of a magnet to my heart.

And I am grateful.

-J

He guides me in paths of righteousness for His name's sake. --Psalm 23:3, NIV

A Meditation

2009-02-12T10:14:00.003-05:00

Thought for the day:

This is the word that came to Jeremiah from the LORD : 'Go down to the potter's house, and there I will give you my message.' So I went down to the potter's house, and I saw him working at the wheel. But the pot he was shaping from the clay was marred in his hands; so the potter formed it into another pot, shaping it as seemed best to him. Then the word of the LORD came to me: 'O house of Israel, can I not do with you as this potter does?' declares the LORD. 'Like clay in the hand of the potter, so are you in my hand, O house of Israel.' --Jeremiah 18:1-6, NIV

Sometimes God must put you in a position to SEE before you're in a position to HEAR.

Working on it,
-J

(c) 2009

Blah, Blah, Blah...wink

2009-02-06T11:44:00.002-05:00

I'm having a blah day. I didn't sleep well--no idea why. I don't feel great either--for no definable reason. Mentally, I'm slumped and emotionally, I'm drained. I'm not BAD...I'm just BLAH.

So I was pretty encouraged when this quote popped up on my google home page today: Only the mediocre are always at their best. - Jean Giraudoux

I feel a lot better now, as I am definitely not at my best, and I definitely don't want to be mediocre.

Then, I decided to figure out who Jean Giraudoux was. I did a quick search, and discovered that he was a French novelist/dramatist who lived through WWI and died toward the end of WWII. And then I ran across this quote...

When you see a woman who can go nowhere without a staff of admirers, it is not so much because they think she is beautiful; it is because she has told them they are handsome.

...and I chuckled. And I found that laughter really is good medicine. The smile on my face has made me feel better already.

On my way,
-J

(c) 2009

A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones. --Proverbs 17:22, NIV

And just because it cheered my heart to remember The Hope of All The Earth...
For the director of music. A psalm of David. A song.
Praise awaits You, O God, in Zion; to You our vows will be fulfilled.
O You who hear prayer, to You all men will come.
When we were overwhelmed by sins, You forgave our transgressions.
Blessed are those You choose and bring near to live in Your courts!
We are filled with the good things of Your house, of Your holy temple.
You answer us with awesome deeds of righteousness, O God our Savior, the hope of all the ends of the earth and of the farthest seas, Who formed the mountains by Your power, having armed Yourself with strength, Who stilled the roaring of the seas, the roaring of their waves, and the turmoil of the nations.
Those living far away fear Your wonders; where morning dawns and evening fades You call forth songs of joy.
You care for the land and water it; You enrich it abundantly.
The streams of God are filled with water to provide the people with grain, for so You have ordained it.
You drench its furrows and level its ridges; You soften it with showers and bless its crops.
You crown the year with Your bounty, and Your carts overflow with abundance.
The grasslands of the desert overflow; the hills are clothed with gladness.
The meadows are covered with flocks and the valleys are mantled with grain; they shout for joy and sing. --Psalm 65, NIV

Nice...

2009-02-05T00:07:00.000-05:00

A little music to brighten your day...in every way! :-)

http://www.youtube.com/v/bYI_aOyCn9Y&hl=en&fs=1

-J

Notations on Scripture Reading...

2009-02-04T01:40:00.003-05:00

One of the deals I made with myself (NOT a New Year's resolution--'cause those only get broken 'round here) recently was that I was going to read through the Bible this year. Now I'm going to handle this like I handle my weight-loss efforts: I'm going to give it my best shot, but if I don't accomplish it by the deadline I have set, I'll just be grateful for the progress I have made thus far...and reset the deadline. (Meaning: don't hold me to the 'year' part too harshly.)

ANYway, using a coupon and some Christmas money (thanks Grandpa & Mema!), I purchased a chronological Bible, just to add a new dimension to my reading. And I'm really enjoying it so far--it feels so orderly...and I LIKE order very much! :-)

Back to my point: I thought I would pitch a few observations at you from time to time, just to share what I'm learning/thinking about this read-through. This is session #1.

Job's friends really stunk the big-one. May I never have friends like his.
God writes lovely poetry (see Job 38-42).
Genesis 15:7 says that God brought Abraham out of Ur to give him this land. But when you review Genesis 11:31, you realize that to accomplish this, God moved Abe's FATHER. Ever wonder what kind of moves God was making on your behalf in the generations that came before you? I love that God is so ahead of the game!
BOTH Abraham and Sarai laughed, but Abraham's laugh appears to be one of wonder, while Sarai's is one of doubt. God doesn't take kindly to us doubting His promises.
Ever wonder why Lot got saved? The NT tells us that he was a righteous soul who was tormented day and night by the sin around him. But I think the most defining answer is found in Genesis 19:16, "When he hesitated, the men grasped his hand, the hands of his wife and of his two daughters and led them safely out of the city, for the LORD was merciful to them." That's it. That's how any of us are saved: "But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved." (Ephesians 2:4-5, NIV) 'T'aint about OUR righteousness. We're saved because God is MERCIFUL. (This is SO about HIM!)
Lot's daughters were WHACK. {ewwwww...}
Isaac married Rebekah at 40 years of age, and then lived to be 180 years old. So...if *I* wait until I'm 40, do you think I'll live another 140 years? Maybe THAT's what's wrong with all you early-marry-ers! HA!

Okay, enough for one night. Time for beddy-bye. Hope you're enjoying your time in the Word too! :-)

Blessings,

-J

These things happened to them as examples and were written down as warnings for us, on whom the fulfillment of the ages has come. So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall! --I Corinthians 10:11-12, NIV

Maid Service Required

2009-01-31T13:33:00.001-05:00

Outside of small children, I think I am one of the the messiest eaters I know.

I don't buy expensive clothes, as I know that I will eventually mar them with some stain that I cannot remove. White shirts, khaki pants...those are just begging for a coffee spill, or tomato splotch. Or worse, mustard.

And I simply CANNOT eat popcorn without making a fool of myself. There is popcorn all around me when I finish. I think this is because I am never paying attention when I eat popcorn. Popcorn is eaten while reading or watching a movie or working on a project at work. The problem here is...I eat a mini bag of popcorn almost every day.

Now, outside of popcorn, the food spills would appear normal to outside observers...little things here and there--normal stuff that just happens. However, these things happen constantly, and that--among many other things--makes me abnormal...though I'm sure you would have already used this word to describe to me.

I do know, however, that I am not THE messiest adult eater I have ever known. At one point in college I was going to school with a SIXTY-year-old man who we needed to vacuum around when he was finished eating. I am not exaggerating. Seriously. The table, the chairs, and especially the floor were covered with his crumbs...which would fly out of his mouth while he was talking and chewing simultaneously.

It was very appetizing.

So, just for the record: I am not THAT messy of an eater.

Unless popcorn is involved. And then, well... Does anybody have a Dustbuster?

Snacking away,
-J

(c) 2009

A man can do nothing better than to eat and drink and find satisfaction in his work. This too, I see, is from the hand of God, for without Him, who can eat or find enjoyment? --Ecclesiastes 2:24-25, NIV

How Our Economic Status Came to Be...

2009-01-30T12:41:00.005-05:00

Okay, I truly have better things to say, but this one is too good not to pass on. Received via email forward (and since I don't 'do' forwards, this one goes to you here!):

Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day he drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died." Chuck replied, "Well, then just give me my money back." The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already." Chuck said, "OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey." The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?" Chuck said, "I'm going to raffle him off." The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" Chuck said, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?" Chuck said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.00." The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?" Chuck said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

Chuck now works for Goldman Sachs.

Bwahahahaha... And so, our current economy breeds humor, despite it all. Sometimes, all you can do is laugh. (If only reality wasn't so close...)

Always willing to laugh,
-J

(I found these verses when I searched 'laugh.' It isn't totally related, but it was instructive (ergo, I am including it). Those who practice evil, believing no one can see or will judge--David asks God to judge them...but not to kill them. "Keep them around so that the people of God won't forget the lesson that our omniscient God is a righteous judge and so that Your greatness is declared throughout all the earth." Hmmm...a powerful, interesting prayer.)

They [evildoers] return at evening, snarling like dogs, and prowl about the city. See what they spew from their mouths—they spew out swords from their lips, and they say, "Who can hear us?"

But you, O LORD, laugh at them; you scoff at all those nations.

O my Strength, I watch for you; you, O God, are my fortress, my loving God. God will go before me and will let me gloat over those who slander me.

But do not kill them, O Lord our shield, or my people will forget. In your might make them wander about, and bring them down. For the sins of their mouths, for the words of their lips, let them be caught in their pride. For the curses and lies they utter, consume them in wrath, consume them till they are no more.

Then it will be known to the ends of the earth that God rules over Jacob. Selah -Psalm 59:6-13, NIV

Things That Make You Go "Hmmmm..."

2009-01-27T17:37:00.001-05:00

Has anyone read Terri Blackstock's Restoration Series (Last Light, Night Light, True Light, and the most recent one (which I haven't read), Dawn's Light)? I love fiction, but don't often read it these days. However, over that past year I read this series. Then, last week, a friend directed me to this link:
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,478024,00.html

So...anybody know how to dig a well...in my backyard?

:-),
-J

My times are in your hands... - Psalm 31:15a

(c) 2009

The Photo That Started It All...Kinda

2009-01-22T12:50:00.009-05:00

There were many, many things that started me on the weight-loss path that I call The Journey. Myriad, tiny things that God planted in my heart and mind. God knows that I'm a slow mover-grower-changer kinda gal, and in His grace, He is always patient with me.

But one thing that was very instrumental in moving me along that path was a photograph. Here, lifted from my friend Beth's Facebook page (uh, thanks, Beth!), is the photograph:

This photo was taken toward the end of the summer after my freshman year of college. I don't know where...I don't actually remember it being taken. (This was also the tannest my legs EVER got--a summer in shorts will work wonders for even the whitest of girls!)

Why did that photograph affect me? All of my life, from early childhood on (more on that later), I had believed myself to be fat. As soon as I began to grow, it was instantly obvious that I was destined to be tall...and not tall & lanky, or tall & skinny, but tall and average build. But I didn't understand that, nor did many around me, and so the idea of "I am fat" infused itself into my soul.

Until the day, a year-and-a-half ago, when I saw this photograph. And suddenly, rushingly, I knew, I could see, that I had NOT been FAT. I had been normal, average weight.

And that's when all my self-conceptions came under deep, deep scrutiny. And eventually, a thousand tiny steps and reasons later, I would begin The Journey.

It is still surprising to me how profoundly this photo from my past affected me. And I still can't fully articulate all that it shook up/loose/crazy in me. But I do know that that one, innocuous act of posting a photo from our ministry team that summer by a long-lost-but-recently-found friend was part of God's plan for my life at this time.

And as usual, I'm awfully grateful to Him for such grace.

Still walking this road,
-J

P.S. Can you pick me out?

Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails. --Proverbs 19:21, NIV

(c) 2009

Salmonella

2009-01-21T12:47:00.007-05:00

Salmonella...doesn't it sound like an exotic flower? One that only grows in the rain forests of Southeast Asia? With blooms bigger than your hand, and a bush that grows taller than a man? Doesn't the sound of that name conjure all kinds of beautiful pictures in your mind?

Too bad that's not true. Too bad such a lovely word is tied to such an ugly organism...one that makes people really, really sick. Sometimes, even killing them.

Don't worry. I don't have, nor have I ever had, salmonella (though this is strictly due to God's grace, considering my penchant for raw cookie dough...). But in light of the recent concern over peanut butter which might have been contaminated with it, I've been a-thinkin'...

Me? Thinking? You're scared now, aren't you? {wink}

As I understand it (and I have made no great search into the matter, so I could be completely off my rocker here), Nabisco and a number of other companies have issued recalls on a number of their products which were produced by a company whose facility might have accidentally (one would hope!) mixed in a little salmonella with the PB. And here's where the thinking started...

The recall is affecting numerous businesses and many, many families and individuals, all because a tiny bit of this organism got mixed in a bit of PB. Most of the products recalled were probably not affected. It's even possible that none of a given company's products were affected...yet each company is tainted by this tiny bit of disease.

Jump to the illustration: We Americans are FAMOUS world-over for our individualism. In the USA, it's about the I, not the We. We believe in the individual to such an extent that somewhere, fundamentally, we have come to believe that what I do doesn't/shouldn't affect you.

But ya know, that just simply isn't true. What you do WILL affect others, maybe me. Perhaps people you don't even know or haven't met yet.

Take a basic example: If I decide to stop following all traffic laws, that's gonna affect somebody. I will probably have an accident that involves someone other than me. If I miss my own accident, I might cause others to have an accident. What I do bleeds over into the lives of others.

And no where is this more true than in the Church. Why? Because we are ONE BODY. One. We are united in Christ. What I do affects you. What you do affects me. Ever try to talk to someone about Jesus, only to have the door (literally or figuratively) slammed in your face because someone else claiming the name of Jesus got there before you...and it wasn't pretty? I have. Ever have people say to you, "You Christians are so X." Um...maybe I'm not, but somebody associated with the body of Christ was.

I don't know that this is a comfortable truth for American believers to accept. Weeding out our culture from our calling in Christ can be tricky for anyone. But I do believe that on this one, we have generally accepted our culture OVER what God declares as truth. And that, that's a dangerous place to be.

So please know: I recognize that what I do today--how I live, speak, drive, tip, dress, carry myself, sigh even--affects you. So I purpose--firstly for the glory of God, secondly for the health of the Body--to consider this as I tootle my way through life. As it turns out, it matters if even a little bit of salmonella gets in the PB.

Just my thoughts,
-J

"My prayer is not for them alone. I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me. I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one: I in them and you in me. May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me." --John 17:20-23, NIV

Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. There is one body and one Spirit—just as you were called to one hope when you were called—one Lord, one faith, one baptism; one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all. --Ephesians 4:3-6, NIV

P.S. For the worriers whose world I just disrupted (sorry about that!), here is the Food and Drug Administration's page on this current outbreak: http://www.fda.gov/oc/opacom/hottopics/salmonellatyph.html

(c) 2009

A Quick Look Back Before Moving Forward

2009-01-15T12:54:00.002-05:00

I'm really lousy at keeping up with my communications: phone calls, email, Facebook, even thank you notes. I'm guessing most of you know that already. :-( It's not that I don't compose these notes/calls in my head...I DO! It's just that I struggle getting from the planning to the implementing stage. I know that this is...not nice.

Since this has been a struggle for me my entire life, I don't expect to conquer it all at once. But one of my non-resolutions (I don't make New Year's resolutions 'cause I'd just fail and feel guilty; I DO however take the opportunity at the beginning of each year to review areas I want to improve in.) was to try to do better in this area.

And step #1 was to clean up my email inboxes. I have three main email accounts: one for work, two personal--mostly divided as one for subscriptions/junkmail and one for personal notes. Between the three accounts, I had over SIX-HUNDRED emails in my INBOX. That's not including myriad additional folders (generally a dozen or so) attached to each account.

Clearly, I wasn't managing my electronic communications.

As I began the process of weeding out my inboxes this week, I discovered something very important: I had quite a 2008...and God sustained me through it all.

Wanna review a bit with me?

**February: Doctors found suspicious calcifications in my breast (sorry, guys), that led to a series of painful and expensive procedures {the day before}...eventually to tell me I was just fine {the day after}. Yee-haw. But this is the month one of my girls received Christ as her Savior...I still tear up at the memory.

**May: I was contacted regarding my 'dream job' and began a deep, draining, God-seeking journey to discover His will regarding this opportunity.

**June: May & June are my very busiest time of year at work, and coupled with the strain of the process above, this made for a really challenging month. I thought it was tough enough, until my mother was (finally!) diagnosed with a serious, life-threatening disease (she is quite stable now, thank you) {as it began} and my handicapped sister started code-blue-ing (stopped breathing) several times a week for no discernible reason. This was an achingly difficult month.

**July: Interviewed for this job and visited my family. My mother began to respond to treatment, and a battery replacement(!) resolved my sister's ailment. My elders asked to meet with me to pray over me and for my family--one of the most precious gifts I have ever been given. EVERYONE in my life who knew about the job opp thought it was a done deal...until I had to turn it down. Yet I truly believed God would intervene and open the door. He didn't.

**August: Felt adrift and alone in the aftermath of the previous months, and really struggled to find my footing again.

**But by October, things were looking up. Despite the near-totalling of my car, joy came when TWO of my sisters gave birth to boys in the same week! AND my brother announced that he and his lovely new bride were expecting in May! Good news for a happy aunt! And, I celebrated happy milestones in The Journey.

**November: We voted! I celebrated some more Journey milestones. The girls I work with shocked the pants off of me when three of them (out of five) finished memorizing the books (2 Timothy, Ephesians--only one per girl!) I had assigned them. To see their growth and their excitement was so thrilling...and humbling.

**December: A busy, happy month. Of course, I started day 1 with the stomach virus (you should definitely pass on this one!) and spent the entire month (until now, actually) sick in some form. BUT, I love the Christmas season, and work--though crazy busy--was full of excitement and fun. THEN, I tried getting out of the boat; that didn't go so well. But THEN, most of my wonderful family came for a crazy week of food and fun at my house! Whee-ha! And THEN, I got to start the new year with a trip to visit my BF from middle school...still one of my very dearest, most precious friends. Busy, busy, but happy.

A review of my email showed me encouraging blog comments and prayers from many of you, and the consistent care of my local church leadership and family. And though there is little electronic documentation, I keenly recall the love my work family poured out on me in those really intense times.

And when I look at all of this, I recall the goodness of our God. How He carried me through unknown and frightening waters; how He brought me words of wisdom and encouragement at my most desperate moments; how, even when He would not answer my questions, He comforted me with quiet assurances of His presence and His plan.

And though I would be okay if 2009 didn't bring with it some of the crazy, scary, nutty things that 2008 did, I would not trade His sweet presence and lessons for anything at all.

I'm so glad I started the year with a communications clean-out. I think it made for one of my best New Year's ever.

Now, onto 2009 and all that it holds,
-J

May the God of peace, who through the blood of the eternal covenant brought back from the dead our Lord Jesus, that great Shepherd of the sheep, equip you with everything good for doing his will, and may he work in us what is pleasing to him, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory for ever and ever. Amen. --Hebrews 13:20-21, NIV

(c) 2009

Exhaling Now...

2009-01-09T19:40:00.005-05:00

Ooookaaaay. Let's see if I can get myself back into this groove...

Where have I been for, say, the last month or so, you might ask? Well, kind of you to inquire. Here's the bullet list:

**December 1: An auspicious start of the month...with a really vicious stomach flu. I lost 7 lbs. in 48 hours. Unfortunately, those were not permanently-gone pounds. The best part? I got sick the morning: 1.) I was supposed to take my BF to the airport; and 2.) the morning a guest (a missionary from Asia, whom I had not met previously) came to stay for a week. Yum.

**That was a rough 48+ hours, BUT...something else hit me immediately--headache, malaise, aches and chills--and dogged me for the next week and a half. It was a lovely time.

**All of this fell at the second busiest season at my workplace--CHRISTMAS! The church where I work hosts a number of community-wide events during this time, and my finger is in every pot. It was nutso, but eventually, every person was contacted, every ad placed, every check cut, and every program designed and printed. And THEN...

**It was my birthday! Yea for me. I turned thirty-*muffle-sniffle-cough*. Okay, okay. I don't really care that much. I turned 36. An age I plan to enjoy immensely...'cause apparently the 35 I was so attached to isn't going to let me claim it anymore. It hurts when your friends turn their back on you... ANYway, my BF threw a kinda-surprise party for me the night before, and we had a blast! So many wonderful people, gifts, and sentiments! I really enjoyed myself. And the next day--my actual birthday--my BF provided me with a very special dinner from (Kraft) Macaroni Grill. It did not involve boxed noodles; it DID involve salmon, a favorite of mine. YUM!

**Then, I had to teach an extra Sunday...usually our church takes two Sundays off of Sunday School during the holiday season, but this year they didn't, and I wasn't totally prepared for that. But you know, God redeemed it, and it was wonderful. I was able to give a very clear explanation of the gospel and how to know your relationship to it (how is your life reflecting/not reflecting this faith?). It was just one of those Sundays where you know God has spoken through you. I love those days.

**That very day, my family began to arrive. They've never let me host Christmas before, and, as I mentioned previously, I was pretty doggone excited about it. And, apparently, a little uptight about it too. It took a few days and some choice conversations before I found the balance, but in the end, I think we all had a good time. Right guys? Guys? Uh, hellloooo? Uh, um...I had a good time, anyway. ;-)

**After God filled my 'family-time' cup to overflowing (in all the best ways!), they tried to leave. This worked for some of them, but not so well for others. My nephew, who had been sick the whole time, turned up with RSV. If you don't work with kiddos, you may not be aware of this respiratory virus, but it can be very serious in younger children. My nephew was 2-1/2 months. It got very serious. After a few days, everyone (doctor included) thought he was stable enough to travel...but we were all wrong. They made it to the Tennessee border before he took a significant downturn. They ended up in a hospital in Knoxville for a couple of days+, where they were treated wonderfully, and even got to stay in the Ronald McDonald house while they awaited his recovery from what was now pneumonia. My other nephew LOVED the McD house (cried when it was time to leave! LOL!). All kinds of special blessings were bestowed by God during this trying time. God's cool like that, huh?

**I got my family on the road just in time to celebrate New Year's Eve with some friends of mine who are musical missionaries based in Europe. They are amazingly cool people, and I've missed them bunches since we sent them off. It was really wonderful to get to see them. I didn't get to fellowship as much as I wanted to, however, as apparently RSV: 1.) Is HIGHLY contagious, and 2.) Presents as a severe cold in adults. I just love the gifts my nephews give me. Three years ago, one gave me the stomach virus. I guess I should be grateful it was only RSV this year, huh? LOL! I--in a HIGHLY atypical fashion--fell asleep in front of the TV just after the ball dropped. BIG night out. ;-)

**I didn't sleep in too late however, as I had a trip to get ready for! My BF since MIDDLE school had invited me up to Iowa to visit snow...I mean to visit her and her family. I rose at 3 a.m. on January 2 to fly out to spend four action-packed days with them, and to share my lovely RSV a little more broadly. (I just know all those people on the planes were THRILLED to have my hacking, snotty self on board with them. "No really, I'm not contagious *hack, hack, sniffle, blow*." Oh, yeah.) We got little sleep, shopped, played games, cooked, kidded, and harrassed her crazy children--and it was wonderful! I had a great time...but did NOT get to visit snow. See, snow is something I want to visit. I don't want to live in it anymore, but I do want to see it from time to time...and old piles of now-ice-formerly-snow do not count...though sliding down the icy street sideways was kinda fun. You should try it.

**I got home late, midweek, and started back to work the next day. And so it is only now, Friday night, when I can say to you all...

I'm sorry I was AWOL and I missed your kind selves very much!

And I'm ready to start this new year, fresh in all kinds of ways and the same in the really important ones. I hope you are too.

Until my fingers find the keys again,
-J

A Blessing for the New Year: "May God give you of heaven's dew and of earth's richness—an abundance of grain and new wine." --Genesis 27:28, NIV

I'm Baaaack!

2009-01-09T16:02:00.003-05:00

Well, sort of. I have much to blog & catch you up on, just as soon as I catch my breath. Until then, I thought you'd enjoy a tiny bit of sarcasm that my friend/roomie shared with me. It'll just bring you up to speed on the past year's news. Or a version of it, anyway.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TWiXy55OHyY&eurl=http://unclejay.sites.5ksites.com/media/UJ%2012-22-08.wmv/&feature=player_embedded

I've not looked deep into his site, so wander at your own risk. But I found this year in review priceless. Now everyone, sing along! "Welcome to Bejing, barumpbarumpbum..."

Love and sarcastic humor,
-J

P.S. And no, I don't agree with it all, but it IS well-stated. Uh, sung. ;-)

Getting Out of the Boat...Or Not.

2008-12-16T10:20:00.009-05:00

I'm not doing well.

I'm doing better physically, though I'm still not 100% yet. But what really pains me right now is how poorly I've done on my own challenge. You remember--the pursuing God challenge?

The very day I issued that challenge, I came down sick. Very sick. And it threw a lot of things in my life, including this. And what I want to do is blame my current spiritual lassitude on having been sick. That would be justifiable, right?

But it wouldn't be honest.

Though my health certainly made spending time with the Lord more of a challenge, the real problem is this:

I've discovered that I've got both feet firmly planted in the boat.

And I do mean firmly. I am not even close to being a risk-taker. Once, on a (3-hour, professionally-administered) temperament analysis test, I scored a 3 out of 100 on risk-taking. Get the picture? I am in NO WAY a risk-taker. If you have ever seen me take a risk, just know that it was a God-thing.

And as it turns out, getting out of the boat is risky.

Here's my current struggle: There was a sacrifice that it occurred to me to make, one that would cost me dearly, financially as well as emotionally, and would have even 'cost' those around me, too. It came to me suddenly, but quietly, so quietly that I wasn't honestly sure that it was God's voice.

And I didn't want to make it.

So I questioned it. I justified it. I finagled it until it wasn't God. I became sure it wasn't God. Or if it was God, the question was just a test, a reminder of an attitude I needed to have.

So I didn't make the sacrifice.

And now, I have the strong and sinking feeling that it WAS God, and it WAS a test...and that I failed with a score of 0 out of 100.

And I so don't want to be me right now.

This feeling is so overwhelming that I have a genuine fear that I have missed something very significant. The kind of something that never gets redeemed. And it makes my heart hurt to think that I am so tied to this world and my comfort and safety that I wouldn't act in faith when God called on me.

I want to be a woman of faith.

But the truth is, today, this month, now, I'm not. I am a woman who's treasure is gonna rot soon, whose fear of the storm keeps her--as it did 11 of the disciples--from even seriously considering getting out of the boat.

And can I tell you that it is those eleven guys that give me hope? I've so often identified with Peter--zealous in heart, but the actions get all mixed up in practice. And promises made, but broken. But in this case, I see myself with the other disciples in the boat and ask myself if they too wondered, "Will I ever get a chance to actually try this again...and get it right?"

And just to be clear, there is no record in Scripture that they did get to take that particular test over again. But each of them did fulfill his mission of being a witness to Christ to the ends of the earth. And that gives me hope.

But it still hurts.

Still His, but faithless,
-J

You know my folly, O God; my guilt is not hidden from you. May those who hope in you not be disgraced because of me, O Lord, the LORD Almighty; may those who seek you not be put to shame because of me, O God of Israel. -Psalm 69:5-6, NIV

...If we died with him, we will also live with him; if we endure, we will also reign with him. If we disown him, he will also disown us; if we are faithless, he will remain faithful, for he cannot disown himself. - 2 Timothy 2:12-14, NIV

Just Wondering...

2008-12-10T14:57:00.005-05:00

I am pondering the fact that I am hosting my family's Christmas for the first time. I am so excited!! They are coming to ME! To share in my life and stay in my home (well, some of them...)!

I am also a little intimidated. I'm no longer used to cooking for a crowd. I love to host, but frankly I'm a tad out of practice. But mostly, I cannot wait for everyone (sans my far-out sis & fam in Asia *frown*) to arrive!

Wanting to make this year as special as I can, I'm thinking through everything as thoroughly as possible. Menus are taking shape, places to visit/things to do are being added to the list. I am a huge 'traditions' kinda gal (song & all! *wink*), and have a few of those kinds of things in my back pocket for this year.

But as I shape the plans for our annual time together, I thought that you smart people might have ideas too! So, please share...
What "makes" Christmas for you? What traditions/activities/people/moments/services/etc. do you look forward to each year?

Some things that I think "make" Christmas, in no particular order:
--Singing Christmas Carols and Hymns (sometimes for hours) as a family
--Candlelight and tiny white lights
--Special Church Services, especially on Christmas Eve
--Cold weather...snow is preferable :-)
--Hot cocoa, tea, and apple cider
--Cooking together with my mom/sister(s)
--Shopping, especially together with family
--the reading of the Advent story before we open gifts
--Having gifts handed out/opened one by one so everyone gets to share in the joy!
--Getting to give carefully selected gifts!

....and so much more. But I want to leave room for you to share...PLEASE! :-) What do you love about this season? What do you do to make it special? What suggestions do you have for me as a new host? I'll take all that you want to share!

Loving the season, but more so The Reason,
-J

"Praise be to the Lord, the God of Israel, because he has come and has redeemed his people. ...to give his people the knowledge of salvation through the forgiveness of their sins, because of the tender mercy of our God, by which the rising sun will come to us from heaven to shine on those living in darkness and in the shadow of death, to guide our feet into the path of peace." --Luke 1:68, 77-79, NIV

(c) 2008

I've Been Sick...

2008-12-09T09:27:00.010-05:00

I've been absent because I have been sick. Quite sick. For 183 hours, so far, if anyone was actually counting. Which of course, I am not. Totally not.

I've tried to keep up my part of the challenge I left us all--most especially myself--with last Monday, but I haven't really done as well as I would have hoped. But I do have some thoughts on the journey so far, and I'll tackle the first one quickly today. ("Quickly" being an entirely relative term with me.) If you're sure you're ready for it...

There are some things about God's workings that I simply--really deeply--don't like.

Okay, who's mad at me now? Frankly, I edited that statement. What I wanted to say was that there were things about God that I don't like, but I don't know that that's 100% accurate. Why would I say either one of those things? Well...

Last week, I found myself reading at the end of the book of Judges. Now, if you've read this book, you know it's filled with sorry stories about sinful, self-seeking people over the course of generations. It's not a place for the faint-of-heart to start. However, at the very end there is a very telling story about an unnamed Levite who travels with his wife/concubine (she's called both in the passage) to an apparently wicked city in the tribe of Benjamin. The men of the city are so wicked that they clamor for this guy to be sent out to them so they can perform indecent acts on/with him. It's shocking, and very reminiscent of a story God relates from Sodom. This Levite, instead, sends his wife outside to them, and they abuse her so horribly during the night that by daybreak she is dead.

I know, my stomach is kinda turning too. God uses this scenario to reveal the wickedness that this entire tribe had allowed to grow in their midst, and then to exact judgment on them for it. The wickedness is removed from Israel, at the cost of tens of thousands of lives and the near extermination of the tribe of Benjamin. Justice is done.

But........!

I want God to judge this Levite. How could he treat his WIFE like that? ANYONE like that? I wanted God to make HIM pay for his wicked acts... I found myself wanting to scream!

I know, some of you are saying, "We aren't told the whole story here. Only part is recorded in order to fill us in on the history/tell of how God judged this tribe." Yep. Okay, I get that. But my struggle lingers: Why isn't the next part of the story recorded? Why isn't there one word of condemnation of this man's horrific behavior?

And this, my friends, is where faith enters in. I understand when I look at the whole of Scripture that God doesn't condone men using their wives as shields. I understand that God never says, "Oh, just let those evil men have their way with her." But what I want is complete and immediate justice for this wrong. For. Each. Wrong.

Except...I don't. Not really. For if God did such a thing, who could stand? Surely not I. Most certainly not. Somehow, in His sovereignty and His grace and His mercy, God does 'balance' the scales--ultimately. And frankly, I don't think He cares if I'm on board with His timing or not.

This is where my knowledge of God Himself and of the promises and prophecies He has given comes into play. His nature hasn't changed. His promises will be fulfilled. And even if I don't get to see God work all this out, those things are still true. To believe that is what faith is.

So, I don't have good answers as to why God allows such evil--globally or on an intimate scale--to reign. I have answers, but in the face of it, they don't feel like good answers. But the nature, character, and faultlessness of my God stand in mute testimony that there are purposes and there are days of accounting.

So I don't hang my trust on what I don't understand. I place my faith on the Who I do know. And someday, maybe, when God has expanded the peanut in my head to be able to comprehend His ways better...maybe then I'll 'get' it.

Until then, I rest in the knowledge that the story juxtaposed immediately against this torrid tale is the sweet, tender, remarkable tale of a kinsman-redeemer whose rescue of a certain woman foretells God's own intervention into history. And the grace that is demonstrated in that tale is mine. Blessedly mine.

Not always clear, but confident,
-J

Nothing in all creation is hidden from God's sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account. Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. --Hebrews 4:13-14, NIV

If you, O LORD, kept a record of sins, O Lord, who could stand? ...I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in His word I put my hope. --Psalm 130:3, 5, NIV

(c) 2008